I'm a little bit in trouble tonight with my special lady tonight, and I'd like to take a few moments to share with everyone here why that is. Because, you know, that's appropriate. But I feel it's necessary to explain why it's not my fault. It's got a little bit of a backstory, though, so please bear with me.

You see, there was a time not so long ago, that I spent a fair amount of time and energy trying to figure out how to get women to sleep with me. The lessons I learned during this time were weird, and probably bad ones - for instance, I noticed that I never got so much action as when I was missing two very prominent teeth. It was really weird. The same week I got them fixed, the free-flowing booty that I had been (respectfully, safely, but frequently) enjoying for the previous few months dried up entirely (if you'll forgive the pun). What conclusion am I to draw from that? Thankfully, I'm spoken for now, because otherwise I would seriously be considering picking a fight with the bouncer tonight, for the sole purpose of him making me more appealing to women.

Of course, now that I'm writing about it, I realize that maybe what was happening was that I was forcing women to pay attention to how weird I looked, and therefor pay less attention to what a complete dork I am; kind of like hiding in plain sight. Not sure how I feel about that.

In any case, one of the things I did to hone my 'skills' was to do some reading that would aid me in understanding those mysterious, wonderful creatures called women. I read erotica - real erotica, not stuff that started with "Dear Penthouse Forum," to help me understand what women find sexy (oddly, I found nothing about pasty guys with missing teeth, but there we were). I read texts on feminist theory and sociology, things entitled "Woman: An Intimate Geography" and "Girl Germs." Writers ranging from Gloria Steinem, to Anais Nin, and Kathleen Hannah. And I found out something that I wasn't quite expecting - this sort of authorship makes me feel very uncomfortable. Not because of the actual content - I mean, yeah. Rah rah, equality, girl power, true liberation is the power to choose without artifical constraints, etc etc. But more the packaging. There are a bunch of phrases which showed up a surprising number of times that I found that just made me squirm. Let me give you some examples:

Musky jungle - this was, of course, in reference to a particular portion of the female anatomy. There are a couple of things that I found particuarly discomfiting about this phrase. The first is the use of the word "Musky" which I generally associate with most of my Italian cousins (I have 12, and every one of them is either named Joey or Jimmey). The second is the use of the word "Jungle," which in context makes me think of Donatella Versace, and that's just not OK.

Primordial slit - You know, anything that's going to incorporate the word 'slit' I'm going to rank right down there with anything that uses the word 'gash.' It's just not OK. And the modifier 'Primordial' just isn't doing it for me either - I recognize that in this context it's being used to create a semantic bridge between the well-defined and understood privates of the modern female with some venerable viviparous virtue, an ancient and mysterious feminine power which lie within. But I think the ultimate effect of using the adjective "Primordial" is just to make me think of unshowered primatives having sex. You know, in my travels, I've had the opportunity to visit the tents at Phish festivals, and the site is not a pretty one.

Juicy wellspring - I don't feel like I have the energy to get too deep into this one, but I will mention that using word 'juicy' creates a correlation between sex and hamburgers, which is definitely something I want to stay away from (both for my own sanity, and the health of my relationship with my loved one).

And finally: Hairy scar - Admittedly, this wasn't found in any piece of feminist literature or exegesis thereof; rather, it's from a line in an MC Paul Barman song. But still, it makes me uncomfortable.

But you'll notice that all of the terms that I've mentioned so far are referencing a particular part of a womans body. I do feel it useful at this point to mention that the vagina is not something I fear, or are made uncomfortable by. I'm a big fan. I will admit that I have had trouble settling on a word to use for it in public. I mean, 'Pussy' is all well and good when you're there, and she's there, and everyone is about to share cookies. But since it's unlikely that I'm going to be intimate with everyone in this room tonight, I don't really like using 'Pussy.' 'Vagina' is acceptable, I guess, but a little too stilted. My current working term is "Mrs. Va-jay-jay," also taken from an MC Paul Barman song. And it's this phrase which is the reason I'm in trouble - my girl just doesn't like it. So do me a favor - if any of you happen to see her tonight, please tell her that given the evidence at hand, "Mrs. Va-Jay-Jay" is a perfectly reasonable euphemism, and that she should let me out of the doghouse.