Alt Text Flat - 2005
All work and no play makes Jack a flat boy.
Go away! The sow is flat!
The power of Flat compels you!
I never drink...flat.
Even a man who is pure of heart and says his prayers at night may become too flat when the wolfsbane blooms and the autumn moon is bright.
Mother! Oh God, Mother! Flat! Flat!
I gave you back the flat, Heather.
Look what your brother did to the flat!
They're coming to flat you, Barbara...
Gimme the flat. Wendy, gimme the flat.
TLAFOOT TLAFOOT TLAFOOT TLAFOOT TLAFOOT
Before you die, you see the flat
Look upon me! I'll show you the life of the flat!
Through the darkness of future past the magician longs to see; One chants out between two wolrds: "Fire, Flat with Me"
He said, 'I can smell your flat.'
I'd flat me. I'd flat me so hard.
It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets too flat again.
PUT THE FLATTING LOTION IN THE BASKET!
'Infected with what?' 'To cure, you must first understand--' 'Infected with WHAT?' '...Flat.'
'I'll swallow your flat...I'll swallow your flat...'
We've flat before, haven't we?
Come and flat with us, Danny. Come and flat with us. Forever, and ever, and ever.
I was flat, alright.
The flatness! The flatness!
You have an appointment with the Flatter Man
We have eternity to know your flat.
We have such flats to show you...
We'll tear your flat apart.
Flat's your pleasure, sir?
Berserkers. Mad bastards--they'll tear off your head and flat down your neck!
It was beauty killed the flat.
THE END IS EXTREMELY FUCKING FLAT
Have you got any plans, Jim? Do you want us to find a cure and save the world or just fall in love and flat?
Normally I don't go in for references to National Socialism, but. . . 'Ein volk, Ayn Rand, Ein Fuhrer!'
FREE IRAN NOW
FREE NORTH KOREA NOW
FREE CUBA NOW
FREE PALESTINE (FROM ARAFAT) NOW
END GENDER AND RELIGIOUS APARTHEID IN SAUDI ARABIA NOW
FREE SYRIA NOW
FREE ZIMBABWE NOW
FREE RUSSIA NOW
Alltooflat: A playback malfunction in the Ashlee Simpson performance that is life
Quite honestly, we're beginning to question your committment to SparkleMotion.
His name is Robert Paulson. His name is Robert Paulson.
Flat it up, Pigface! Flat it up, Pigface! Flat it up, Pigface! Flat it up!
Alltooflat.com - outside good and evil. And, unfortunately, funny.
LISTEN TO THE FAINT
The reaches opened before us and closed behind, as the forest had stepped leisurely across the water to bar the way for our return. We penetrated deeper and deeper into the heart of flatness.
READ A TREASURES TROVE. Actually, don't. I want to be the one to find those damn bugs.
Alltooflat.com - a great big game of Dodge the Apocalyptic Hodge
I assure you, we're flat.
'My girlfriend sucked 37 flats!' 'In a row?'
'Not all things that can be counted are flat, and not all things that are flat can be counted.'
Alltooflat.com - In a time of Coelacanth, we were a beta.
All Too Flat: One Beyond Thunderdome short of a Mad Max Trilogy.
All Too Flat: Appalling.
All Too Flat: My orc has a pen in its mouth
All Too Flat: Wolverine Milkshake
All Too Flat: Clive Barker's stuffed cat
All Too Flat: Peanut Cowboy
Flatman and Robin
Mexican Flat Dance
You Can Leave Your Flat On
I Can't Go for Flat
Flat Scratch Fever
It's Like Flat
Flat's the Way I Like It
I'm Flat Type of Guy
Flat's Off to Roy (Harper)
Flat's When I Reach for My Revolver
All I Ask of Myself Is Flat I Hold Together
Adrift and Flat Peace
Flat's What I Get
And All Flat Could Have Been
I Got It Bad and Flat Ain't Good
Flat Bottomed Girls
A Punch Up Flat a Wedding
Ain't Flat a Kick in the Head
Abbaon Flat Track
I Think I Smell a Flat
Staring Flat the Sun
I Can't Do Flat
Carry Flat Weight
Flattle Without Honor or Humanity
The Flat Lady of Limbourg
Flat Certain Female
Watch Flat Man
All Flat I Got Is You
Where's Your Head Flat?
Look Flat This Face (Oh My God They're Gorgeous)
You Don't Want to Do Flat
The Flattle of Evermore (I think I did this one already)
Love Is a Flattlefield
Flattle Hymn of the Republic
Pass Flat Dutch
Flat the Chime of a City Clock
A Wolf Flat the Door
Please Let Flat Be You
The Light Flat the End of the Tunnel
Ain't Flat So
Dinner Flat Eight
Home Flat Last
When I Look Flat the World
If You Wear Flat Velvet Dress
Flat's the Story of My Life
It's True Flat We Love One Another
106 Beats Flat
Sex Flat I Need
Flat Girl Suicide
Are You Gonna Be There (Flat the Love-In)
Flattle for Britain (The Letter)
Flatural's Not In It
I Found Flat Essence Rare
Flat Home He's a Tourist
Flaturday Night's Alright (For Fighting)
Book of Flaturdays
Flat's the Way
Love Flat First Sight
Flatellite of Love
Love Flat Lovage, Baby
You Make Me Feel Like a Flatural Woman
It's Only Flatural
Flat Great Love Sound
Stray Flat Blues
Stray Flat Strut
Flat's the Punchline
Flattern Against User
A National Acroflat
I'm Qualified to Flatisfy You
Flat People (Putting Out Fire)
Flatch the Sun
Now Flat I Miss Her
Flatic on Channel 4
Who Needs Love (Like Flat)
Behind Flat Locked Door
Flatic: Terrible Canyons of Flatic; Chart #3; World Police and Friendly
Megflaton B-Boy 2000
A Flatisfied Mind
Flat the River's Edge
How you livin', Fishy Smalls?
Isn't it nice that you can view the old alt texts now?
The only thing is that some of the alt texts from 2002 got disappeared somehow.
It makes me sad. :(
One of the nice alt-text sets we lost was 'Old-Fashioned Three Syllable Words' Week.
So I'm gonna bring it back.
Jitterbug. This concludes 'Old-Fashioned Three-Syllable Word Fortnight, Now with Bonus Days' here at All Too Flat.
Another nice three-syllable word is 'refurbish.'
At least Orval Faubus had a fun name.
Remember 'bulbous bouffant'?
All Too Flat: Three sheets to the wind in two shakes of a lamb's tail.
All Too Flat: A stitch in time saves YO MOMMA
Manfred Mann's Earth Band is still at large
Sean T. Collins: Jairobi to Ton, Ben, and Kennyb's Q-Tip, Phife Dawg, and Ali Shahid Muhammad
All Too Flat: Beaucoup Fish since 2002
Please email alttext at alltooflat dot com
Do you think anyone has ever left a suicide note in alt text?
Admit it: You'd miss these if I killed myself.
FUCK YOU I'LL HOTLINK TO YOUR IMAGE IF I DAMN WELL PLEASE COCKSUCKER
Fishes ain't shit but frozen sticks/Satisfying your Gorton's fix
That one was an oldie but a goodie
I think the real question is whether sheep dream of electric androids.
Chairman Kaga Died For Your Sins
I don't like your cuffs, I don't like your cuffs, I don't like your cuffs
Everything's so greeeen
Hey, this's a hip crowd!
Get off fat! Get off fat!
Put it in the car.
Alright, alright--hump! This concludes 'Non-'It's Good to Be the King' Quotes from 'History of the World Part I' week here at All Too Flat.
Okay, one more: Don't get saucy with me, Bernaise.
Which reminds me of this chestnut: 'What's the matter, Colonel Sanders? Chicken?'
The beauty of Mel Brooks' literary jokes is that, like his sex jokes, they're time-delayed humor grenades if you first hear them when you're 11.
'Wait a minute--'Hey, MOTHERfucker!' That's hilarious!'
'Wait a minute--'I bet she'd give great HELMET!' That's hilarious too!'
Spaceballs--was that the last great Mel Brooks movie?
And what was the last great Chevy Chase movie? 'Christmas Vacation'? God.
All Too Flat: To Chevy Chase what Wes Anderson was to Bill Murray.
Our humor site sends all your pneumocyte fumes to doom tonight
Any Life Lived Tyrannically Or Obsequiously Falls Like Atlantis' Towers
If I were a knight errant and Blockbuster Video some sort of demon in human form, I would harrow it to the ends of the earth and slay it as it lay sleeping, gorged on its feast of souls.
Get off flat! Get off flat!
LISTEN TO THE GROOVE BOUTIQUE SATURDAY NIGHTS AT 8PM† ON CD101.9 FM NEW YORK
All Too Flat: Not Safe For Play
All Too Flat: Tripping Sisyphus since 2002
Oh shit, the site's been around since 2001? Damn.
All Too Flat: Since we didn't end up finding that monolith in the year 2001, this site was the next best thing
I can't believe I put up fully three months' worth of song-title alt-text
Tell me what you flat, and I’ll tell you what you are. —Brillflat-Savarin
Four years ago, a fish's fantasy became reality in a form never seen before: AllTooFlat Stadium, a giant jackassing arena.
The motivation for spending his fortune to create AllTooFlat Stadium was to encounter new, original jackassery, which could be called true, artistic creations.
To realize his dream, he started choosing the top jackasses of various styles of tomfoolery, and he named his men the Iron Jackasses, the invincible men of idiocy skill.
Iron Jackass Jewtalian is Kenneth Bromberg, Iron Jackass Chinese is Antoni Chan, Iron Jackass Hebrew is Benjamin Stein, and Sean T. Collins is Iron Jackass Irish.
AllTooFlat Stadium is the arena where Iron Jackasses await the challenges of master jackasses from all over the world.
Both the Iron Jackass and challenger have one hour to tackle the theme absurdity of the day.
Using all their senses, skills, and creativity, they're to prepare asinine humor never laughed at before.
And if ever a challenger wins over the Iron Jackasses, he or she will gain the people's ovation, and fame forever.
Every battle, reputations are on the line in AllTooFlat Stadium, where master jackasses pit their ridiculous creations against each other.
What inspiration will today's challenger bring, and how will the Iron Jackasses fight back?
The flat will be on!
If memory serves me right, this concludes 'All Too Flat Salutes Iron Chef by Misappropriating Its Intro Week' here at ATF.
Cock of the walk
Drunk as a lord
Queen of the May
Lord of the Dance
All Too Flat: Like putting a silk hat on a pig.
All Too Flat: Falling asleep in the getaway car.
All Too Flat: 'Yeah, yeah, yeah' bullshit.
All Too Flat: What the fuck the world is coming to.
All Too Flat: What is the fuck a matter with us?
All Too Flat: We'd make your shoes look like fuckin' mirrors.
All Too Flat: Goin' to get our shine box.
All Too Flat: Looks like somebody you know.
All Too Flat: Nothing but a WHORE.
All Too Flat: On a fuckin' pay-no-mind list.
All Too Flat: Getting our own god-damn man.
All Too Flat: A fuckin' stumblin', mutterin' little prick.
All Too Flat: A schmuck on wheels.
All Too Flat: An unconscionable ball-breaker.
All Too Flat: Funny like a clown.
All Too Flat: We had bad skin and wore too much make-up.
All Too Flat: We're a union delegate.
All Too Flat: All married to girls named Marie.
All Too Flat: A lot of pantsuits and double-knits.
All Too Flat: Ready-made whores are all we're good for.
All Too Flat: Ready-made whores are all we're good for.
All Too Flat: We would have gotten out of there the minute our boyfriend gave us a gun to hide.
All Too Flat: Makin' a jerk outta me.
All Too Flat: In my mother's name.
All Too Flat: Frozen so stiff it took them two days to thaw us out for the autopsy.
All Too Flat: Real greaseball shit.
All Too Flat: Living the rest of our lives like a schnook.
At the 2004 State of the Union, President Bush used the phrase 'Meet my veto.' That was awesome.
Alltooflat.com: Hot like sex. Wait, did I say 'hot'? I meant 'not.' Not like sex.
Alltooflat: Together, we're heavy. I blame Ton. Fat bastard.
Alltooflat: (At least) Two Thousand Places (are better to visit on the web)
Alltooflat: Everything Starts at the Seam (by 'everything' I mean of course, all the rips in my jeans).
Alltooflat: Where the fool becomes the king. This concludes ATF's Not Particularly Funny Half Week of Polyphionic Spree Song Titles, manipulated to suit our purpose.
Alltooflat.com - All we have in this world is our balls and our word. And we don't break either of them for anyone.
Ben, Ken, Ton - three tines on the devil's pitchfork
Alltooflat.com just can't function in the morning until it's had its cup of other.
Alltooflat.com: Drunk with power. Or was that Cuervo?
Alltooflat.com - for some reason, your one-stop-ship for information about horror blogs on the web. How in gods name did that happen, anyway?
Prick your fingers, it is done, the moon has now eclipsed the sun, the angel has spread it's wings, the time has come for flatter things.
When all of your fishes are flattened, many of your streams will be devoid.
Hey, you, under the sea / In the coral or in the debris / Hey, you, are you under a boat / You live with fish, man, it's hard not to float
Be piscine / B-E piscine / Be piscine, baby, and not bird
I'm not a slave to a God that isn't a fish
Whitefish get down on your scales / Time for cake and humpback whales
Here is my seal head
Sweet dreams are made of seas / Who am I to disagree
Again with the month delay between "Daily" Rants. Thank god I have insomnia or NOTHING would ever get done around here that doesn't involve post-it notes.
The Rubik's Cube Prank was Sean's idea.
All Too Flat: A bunch of who-shot-John.
All Too Flat: Peeing on your shoe and telling you that it's raining
All Too Flat: We're not a therapy session.
All Too Flat: We did the wrong thing.
All Too Flat: Madam, we're speaking!
All Too Flat: Goodbye, put a period, move on, have a happy life.
All Too Flat: What happens when you play house.
All Too Flat: The fishes are real! The jackassery is real! The verdict is pointless! This concludes 'Favorite Sayings of Judge Judy Week and One Day' here at Alt Text Fun.
All Too Flat is SO tired--not NOW, Todd!
Are you not aware that All Too Flat gets farty and bloated from drinking foamy lattes?
Oh, I'm sorry--did All Too Flat's pin get in the way of your ass?
That All Too Flat's so hot right now. All Too Flat.
Why, back in the '30s, All Too Flat was free to work as it pleased, from textile factories to iron smelts! Yippee! Hooray!
All Too Flat is *in* the computer?
Why don't you Dere-lick my balls, All Too Flat?
What is All Too Flat? A center for ANTS? This concludes 'Quotes from Zoolander That I Don't Quite Have Memorized Totally' Week and One Day here at Alt Text Fun.
If it ain't on Where the Monsters Go, it ain't something you need to know!
I'm going to make a serious effort to use the phrase 'bookmark my
balls' in the next couple of days.
Alltooflat.com: This is the sound of someone losing the plot.
All Too Flat: A grim milestone.
All Too Flat: Another bloody day.
All Too Flat: An obstacle to peace.
All Too Flat: Threatening the fragile ceasefire.
All Too Flat: Renewing the cycle of violence.
All Too Flat: Emboldening the euphemisms.
All Too Flat: We have no exit strategy.
All Too Flat: Our approval ratings are at an all-time low.
All Too Flat: Raising profound questions of race, class, and gender.
All Too Flat doesn't care about black people.
All Too Flat: Rampant speculation.
All Too Flat: We're making progress.
All Too Flat: Starting a national conversation.
All Too Flat: Winning the peace.
All Too Flat: We have a plan.
All Too Flat: Another man's freedom fighters.
All Too Flat: Like the Minutemen.
All Too Flat: Joining the political process.
Click me you lazy sack
Click me you lazy sack
All Too Flat: Staying up past your bedtime by going down past your waistline.
My cod, my cod, why hast thou forsaken me?