All Too Flat : Serious : Ask The Fish

In an attempt to increase the frequency of updates to the site, we are adding yet another freaking blog. I don't know why we think this will increase the frequency of updates to site - we have at least three of the things anyway, and they are updated just about as often as Boston wins the World Series. But we try. Ask The Fish will now be done blog style, with new entries getting posted as soon as they are answered. Expect the same quality of advice that you have come to expect (from what is either a 800 lb halibut with a highly defined sense of irony, or one of four uber-geeks with nothing better to do on a Saturday night).

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Dear Ask the Fish,
My "girlfriend", whom I've been seeing (and boning frequenly) on-and-off for a few days is a vegan, a silly philosophy upon which I pour unending derision. Shall I try to convert her to a worthwhile way of thinking? Vegan poop smells really bad!
-What, You Don't Like My Meat

Dear What,,
According to a reputable source "actually, vegan poop has no smell." Therefore, your question has no credibility (holds no air, as we fish like to say) and we are not going to dignify it with a response.
By the way, what does your "girlfriend" think of the Bi.A.T.C.h?
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
What do you think of the Dodgers' pitching staff this year? They have a lot of question marks, but if K. Brown is healthy and Ishii is as good as they say he is, they could be a terror.
-Big Ben

Dear Big,
With Brown healthy and Ishii throwing like he's capable of, we should see a wicked combo in LA. The Los Angeles Times reported that Brown is unlikely to be ready for the season though. He threw only 28 pitches in his last outing, and there's a good chance he won't be able to throw 80-110 pitches until mid-April. Nomo and Ashby are nothing to scoff at either!
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
Did you know that ATF is the first hit on google when searching for "lion Helen Newman"? ctrl-x-y
-Rhetorical

Dear Rhetorical,
Yes we did. We are also the first hit when you search for intellisloth, jedibowler, bootville, goldendork, and edam eve.
All Too Flat makes googlewhacking easy! (think "michelangelo fromagere")
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
so where are the visiting scientist trading cards? did bill nye check out his?
-e

Dear e,
http://www.alltooflat.com/geeky/scientists, and no, as far as we know Bill Nye hasn't seen his card yet.
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
Hey how bout some pictures of Dara and Laura those broads sound hot. Also how'd a geek like Ben score such a hot chick?
-Looking for Jerk off Material

Dear Looking,
Sure. Why not? Here's Laura and Dara in all their glory.
As for Ben's girl, yes, he is extremely fortunate to have such a wonderful woman in his life (epecially after that signing-me-out-of-Yahoo question!)
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
I am a 20-something single woman whose best friend happens to be male. I'll call him "Used to Pork Me".
"Used to" just became engaged and wants me to be part of the wedding party, so he asked his fiancee, "Tiffany," to include me as one of her bridesmaids.
Tiffany has a close male friend, I'll call him "Cunning Linguist", whom she wants to be one of "Used to"'s groomsmen.
I would prefer to stand next to "Used to" to show my support for his marriage. Perhaps Tiffany's male friend and I should switch places and stand beside our respective friends. If we do this, would I wear a dress like the bridesmaids, or would I wear a tuxedo like the groomsmen?
Also, I hear that wedding receptions are a good place to get laid. Should I go for "Cunning" or try to land the Menage with Tiff and "Used to"?
-Big Rack

Dear Big,
Both interesting questions. While we here at the fish support and occasionally indulge in a bit of harmless transvestism, we realize that there is a time and a place. While I'm not going to say that a wedding is never the time and a church never the place, I will say that you want to think hard about gratifying that desire in the House of God. Of course, if the wedding is outside, or at a Unitarian Church, there's no problem on that end. I've also heard the Episcopalian God is relatively understanding.
As far as who you are supporting - realize that no matter where you are in the wedding party (or whether you're wearing boxers or boy shorts), you are supporting Used To on his special day.
As to who you should try to shtoop the night of the wedding - why restrict yourself? If you see an opportunity for the three-way, jump right in; be sure, however, to get the number of Cunning. You can keep him in reserve for that night and the future!
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
Dear Fish,
I read your column every week. But now I have a dilema for you. My girlfriend sometimes uses my computer to check her e-mail. Which I don't mind, in general. Here's the problem: She's always signing me out of Yahoo! to check her Y! mail, and I have to sign back in next time. How annoying is that? How can I get her to stop signing me out without looking like a dick?
Thanks,
Yahooligan
-Yahooligan

Dear Yahooligan,
Now THAT is a good question. There are a couple of possible solutions, although none of them are particularly elegant. You could work to convince her that Y! mail isn't so hot and she should get a new address from Hotmail, mail.com, etc. But chances are she won't buy that becayuse Y! is clearly the best.
The other solution is more realistic- install another web browser such as Netscape or Opera and make her use that one. (PS I know you are using IE because I can see it in the web logs! How's that for invasive!) Anyway, she can sign into Y! in one browser without signing you out because the different browsers each have their own set of cookies. You can even get brownie (no pun intended!) points by letter her "Remember her Y! username on this computer!"
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
The Book of Leviticus say that when I burn a bull as a sacrifice to the Lord, it makes a an odor "pleasing to the Lord". The problem is with my neighbors. They think the odor is not pleaseing. Shall I smite them?
-High Commander

Dear High,
Let's be honest Commander- the Book of Leviticus says a lot of things... And while I will admit a good smiting can really get the blood pumping, it's usually someone elses blood and that's just not a happy time.
If the bull must be sacrificed, we suggest leaving it up to the professionals. Head out to MickeyD's and get some lunch. Pick me up a quarter-pounder meal. Dr. Pepper. Don't forget to get a bar-b-q sauce (I like it with my fries).
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
Why?
-High Commander William T. Relaxo

Dear High,
Because.
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
I host the annual summer picnic for the United Conservative Libertarians of North America (UCLNA), and last year's punch recepie was not well received (the commie, pinko bastards!) so my question to you is do you have any drink recipies you recommend for a good time? This is a crowd that likes to par-tay, with a capital P, baby!
-Partying in VA

Dear Partying,
I have a great suggestion for a party drink. It's one that has been served at a number of successful house parties when the Alltooflat crew were still undergraduates at their alma mater. It's known by a couple of names (including the unfortunate epithet of "Pete's Panty Loosener," but we like to call it "Joe's Brew."
The Recipe

1 bottle Tequila

1 bottle Gin

1 bottle Vodka (the kind of liquor that comes in the big plastic bottles is fine.)

3 bottles champagne (Andre is preferable - 2 pink 1 white)

2 bottles Sprite (not 7Up. Grant Hill and Kobe Bryant don't drink 7Up, so you shouldn't either!)

Large quantity of fruit punch (HiC, generic brand, any type is fine.)
Mix 3/4s of the bottles of liquor (remember, we're talking about the jug-type bottles here) in a 5 gallon container. Add the champagne and the fruit punch. Then add 1 bottle of Sprite. From here it's more of an art than anything else. Taste your creation. It should not taste too strongly of alcohol. You may need more fruit punch or sprite. If it dosn't taste at all of alcohol, you didn't put enough in - Add equal quantities of the vodka, tequila, and gin.
Don't skimp on the carbonated liquids - C02 increases alcohol absorption; this should stretch out the punch and make people think they're dancing well.
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Got a question? Need advice? Ask the Fish!