Dear Ask the Fish,
What's the smallest envelope size that the USPS will deliver?
-Kennyf

Dear Kennyf,
The minimum size for First-Class Mail is 5 inches long, 3-1/2 inches high, and 0.007 inch thick. Source:usps.com
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
Is there any validity to my belief that an older instrument (eg. wooden violin) is more likely to sound better than a new instrument?
-Viola in Vienna

Dear Viola,
It's really tough to judge which will sound better. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right? Here's what we can do: The following table provides a list of songs played on both old and new instruments, and you can judge for yourself which is better:

Older Instuments	Newer Instruments
Brandenburg Concerto, Bach	Purple Haze, Hendrix
Ave Maria, Stravinsky	Stairway to Heaven, Zeppelin
Concerto for Violin, Haydn	Pinball Wizard, The Who
Piano concerto No.1 in Bb, Tchaikovsky	Bufallo Sodier, Marley

It's up to you.
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
quick without looking it up...who does the voice of the spirit coyote?
-Simpsons Geek

Dear Simpsons,
Uhhhh... Ozzy Osbourne.
Check out answer here. (We really didn't look it up)
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
ok I know there's Silver, Represado, and Anejo. I know the differances. My question Which (would you say) is best for a shot, which for a margarita, and which for sipping? I have my own theories but am curious to yours. Also how about a stellar margarita recipe and I aint talkin no lemonaide or mix here I want to use all fresh ingredients.
-tequila man

Dear tequila,
Just as a refresher for those at home, Silver Tequila is bottled directly or within 30 days of distillation. Reposado (check your spelling, dude!) is aged between 2 & 11 months in an oak barrels. Anejo has been aged for a minimum of one year in an oak barrel.
For margaritas, we are happy with Reposado because of its superb smoothness and great taste. Shots should be taken with silver tequila, and the expensive Anejo should be saved for the sipping.
As for recipes, we're partial to the recipe which Jimmy Buffet outlines in the limited-release, 7 minute Margaritaville single.
1) Fill shaker with broken cubed ice
2) Squeeze 2 fresh lime wedges into shaker
3) Add 2 oz. of Margaritaville Tequila Oro
4) Add 1/2 oz. Margaritaville Tequila Blanco (for bite if you wish)
5) Add 1 1/4 oz. of Roses Lime Juice
6) Add 1/2 oz. of Bols Triple Sec
7) Add a splash of Bols Orange Curacao
8) Cover shaker & shake vigorously
9) Rim glass with lime peel and salt, add fresh ice
10) Strain mixture over ice
11) Squeeze in 1 lime wedge
12) Enjoy

-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
Companies that use Google ad-words pay every time you click a link. Do you think it is possible to bankrupt a company by systematically clicking their ads enough times? think they need to be from different IPs? Would that be a good prank for you guys?
-Kind of a dick

Dear Kind,
Dear Dick -
Nope. But that was some seriously obnoxious thinking. When you specify your contract with Google, you put a cap on the amount of money that you'll spend during a month. Once that amount is reached, your ad stops appearing on the page.
I suppose what you could do is just keep searching for the same keywords, and click through each time. While this won't bankrupt the company, at least it'll waste their advertising budget!
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
Quick...I got this broad coming over for dinner and I don't know what to make. I want a cross between "gargle my sack" and "you look wonderful in that outfit," you know something classy but still let my point be known. Any ideas? and oh I'm lactose intolerent so NOTHING with dairy in it.
-Recipe Man

Dear Recipe,
Artichokes. Trivial. Here's why: First of all, artichokes are a natural aphrodisiac. That's an immediate plus. And preparing artichokes with some nice dipping sauces will make you look sophisticated and interesting. But now let's look at your objectives. You want something that says "you look beautiful." Going a step further, you really want something to say "I respect you and your femininity." Artichokes have that whole Georgia O'Keefe flower thing going for them. Subconsciously, she's going to eat that up! (no pun indended). Furthermore, since you are clearly a pervert, eating artichoke leaves will get that whole scraping-against-the-teeth thing out of the way.
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
Please help me interpret this dream:
At a party, over the normal party din, comes the following shout: "Somebody just died from eating the potato salad."
-Scared Sleepless

Dear Scared,
Well, without using any of the standard reference works (Freud, Frazer, etc) my first instinct is to suggest that you *really* dont like potato salad and leave it at that. I suppose in order to make a more pefect analysis, I'd need to know a little more about you. Are you predisposed to have an opinion about potato salad (either way)?
If you generally love potato salad, a dream like this might be a cry from your subconscious for change. I suggest quitting your job, or saying something that you can't take back to your significant other.
If your feeling about potato salad is generally a negative one, I think it's really more about you being confident and assured in your life; perhaps it's Kismet telling you that you are making the right decisions, and should really follow your instinct on decisions. If this is the case, I'd do something rash without looking for input from friends or family (eg investing most of your money in a pyramid scheme). Fate seems to be telling you that everything will turn out alright..
Of course, other factors might be involved as well. If you're an Irisher, this dream could very well be some strange interpretation of a genetic memory about the potato famine. (Down with late blight!!!) A little known fact is that with the decrease in availability of potatos, a lot of potato dishers were made with cyanide nuggets.
Which ever the real answer, I strongly suggest staying away from any sort of luncheon salad. I know I will be.
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
what song is played at the beginning of "Monsterpiece Theatre?"
-cookie monster

Dear cookie,
Wow. You actually stumped the fish. Good job! We'll take some help on this one and give you credit in next week's ATF.
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
I been hearing a dance song lately and they never ever ever tell me what its called I was hoping you could help. Some lyrics exerpts are: "and it's hard to breathe in heaven, empty words, empty words."
-Damen Trent

Dear Damen,
You must be referring to the new techno remix of Bring Us To Heaven. The original was performed by Eric Elder on his albumBe Thou Exalted, and was remixed by M.C. Papabile in 2001.
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
Does the expression "breaking my balls" mean the same things as "busting my chops?" And what exactly does "chops" mean?
-Idiom sir?

Dear Idiom,
Yes, they mean pretty much the same thing, giving the owner of the balls (or chops) a hard time about something. Though they can be used interchangeably without losing meaning, common usage has "Breaking my balls" as a more friendly thing than busting chops (ie, I would say that Ben is breaking my balls, since his purpose will ultimately be ben-ign; but the Cornell University Bursar is busting my chops, because since day one those bastards have had it in for me).
As for the word "chops," musicians tend to use the word in its original meaning, referring to the lips or mouth. Thus, "busting your chops" means to play your instrument to the point of overplaying it, especially if it's a wind or brass instrument, as in, "I busted my chops on that piece." It's also used to denote skill: "He has the chops," or "It takes good chops to play this piece." "Chops" is also applied to musicians who don't play wind or brass instruments, though it always sounds strange to my ear to hear someone say of a drummer, "He has the chops."
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
I'd like to use my computer for some altruistic distributed computing project. I don't want to give away my processing power to some corporation- I want to fight for a good cause. And don't give me that SETI@home crap- talk about a waste of 500 million computer-hours!
-wasting cycles

Dear wasting,
There are a ton of project listed in the Google directory under distributed computing projects. The best thing for you to do is choose a project you are interested in. Lending your idle cycles to a project is a very nice idea- the downside is that some "non-profit" research group is going to reap the benefits of your generosity. So make sure it is something you care about, like protein folding, AIDS research, anthrax vaccines, RSA encryption... there are a bunch of them.
-ATF

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