All Too Flat : Serious : Ask The Fish

In an attempt to increase the frequency of updates to the site, we are adding yet another freaking blog. I don't know why we think this will increase the frequency of updates to site - we have at least three of the things anyway, and they are updated just about as often as Boston wins the World Series. But we try. Ask The Fish will now be done blog style, with new entries getting posted as soon as they are answered. Expect the same quality of advice that you have come to expect (from what is either a 800 lb halibut with a highly defined sense of irony, or one of four uber-geeks with nothing better to do on a Saturday night).

Got a question? Need advice? Ask the Fish! Use the Ask the Fish Form to submit a question!

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Dear Ask the Fish,
Where can I expect to run across three sexy guys such as the ones at alltooflat.com? I am beautiful, geeky, sort of available, and hang out in New York alot.
-Salome shin-hitch

Dear Salome,
There's a pretty swell Belgian bar on 6th ave of which we are fond. (I wish I never whacked that harvard girl's hangers about ending sentences with prepositions. It makes my writing much more awkward.) Alternatively, stay tuned to our news because we sometimes make public appearances in the City.
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
How do you work?
-Searching the World

Dear Searching,
Judging by the amount of time we spend checking e-mail and updating this web site during the day, I have to say, not very well.
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
What is the price of tea in China? I searched the web for ages and all I found was the price of tea in India, which grows way more tea nowadays, but doesn't have the same proverbial cachet. By the way, my sister once patted a live Dogfish on the head once while visiting the St. Andrews Marine Laboratory in Saint Andrews, New Brunswick, Canada. How many people can say that they've seen that? (Apart from those of us who were there at the time.)
-Treading Water with the Sharks

Dear Treading,
"Depends what kind of tea you want... today a woman i met bought me a cup of tea for 32RMB. that was in a 5star hotel. you an also buy a bag of tea for that or less-i think 4.5rmb is the lowest, but there are some high quality tes that people pay $100US for." (Fish's note: Ľ1 = $0.12)
Source: Erin Hyland
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
help, i'm bored what can i do to fix this?
-bored at work

Dear bored,
When first reading this email, I was filled with a deep and overriding rage. How can you have the gall to write to the advice column of a webpage that has literally hours of fun and exciting content to browse through, and ask what you should be doing? Best case is that the answer you are going to get is "Read my webpage."

Then I realized that you must be writing because you have in fact read through the entire site, and now need something else to do. My first answer is to run ATF through our Stupid Translator and read it all again. In five different translations. And after that, you should visit Cockeyed, and read all of the content on that little bit of heaven. After you've finished those two tasks, you should really step outside for a bit of fresh air, maybe go for a jog. You've been sitting at work for over 3 day nows, you know.
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
how any boards would the Mongols hoard if the Mongol horde got bored?
-aaron

Dear aaron,
It depends on the board. If they're normal boards, then probably 15 to 20 thousand. If we're talking The World's Largest Scrabble Board then only 1 or 2.
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
What is the Ministry of Housinge?
-Johnny Zoo

Dear Johnny,
We're starting to be a pain in our own ass. We did a google search for housinge and we were the first damn link on google.
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
Are there sign languages for other languages (e.g. Swedish)?
-Cute Mute

Dear Cute,
Absolutely. In fact, what you probably thing is "English" sign language is most likely American Sign Language (ASL). It is not simply a direct translation of English- it has it's own grammar and sentence structure.
There are a few internationally recognized signs that can be recognized in many different sign languages. But they mostly involve the middle finger. Oh another one- I think holding up two fingers in a "V" shape is a fairly well known sign to mean Verizon.
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
Is the answer to the meaning of life 42, or is that just a hoax??
-Bob the Demolisher

Dear Bob,
From at least one mans viewpoint, 42 is in fact the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything. From another, it is merely a number with as little meaning as any others. From point of view of a Zen master, 42 comprises the truest Buddha nature. To this fish, 42 has a deep and great meaning - it's exactly seven multiplied by the number of times I can sneak a look at another girl without getting caught by my old lady. What we all must realize is that one mans Truth is another fish's ticket to the doghouse.
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
how can I get love from a man?
-tina_yy

Dear tina_yy,
Well, a good start is by saying "Hello." Then flirt with him a lot. And then nag him about EVERYTHING! Guys love that. Best of luck to you!
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
Imagine you are standing in front of a mirror, facing it. Raise your left hand. Raise your right hand. Look at your reflection. When you raise your left hand your reflection raises what appears to be his right hand. But when you tilt your head up, your reflection does too, and does not appear to tilt his/her head down. Why is it that the mirror appears to reverse left and right, but not up and down?
-musing at the mirror

Dear musing,
This is really really really really really funny.

We wanted to do a little refresher on the optics of mirrors. So we did a google search:

mirror reverse

-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
I have a problem - i am addicted to your site. I sit up all day and night, just staring at my computer, visiting your pages again and again! What can i do? Am i a lost cause?
-Looney Scotsman

Dear Looney,
Yes, it's a lost cause. Accept it, and give yourself over to the absolute pleasure that is ATF. Could be worse. We could not be funny.
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
Why is a hamburger called a hamburger if there is no ham in it?
-I have nothing better to do than think about hamburgers

Dear I,
As in all questions of things etymological, we let the OED be our guide. Interestingly (and perhaps quite tellingly), the first definition for "hamburger" is "A native of inhabitant of Hamburg." The second definition, the one we are more interested in, tells us of the expected "chopped steak" definition; it also tells us that the original phrase was Hamburger steak, or Hamburg steak. Which suggests, although does not demand, that the first widely known version of what is now an American staple came from Hamburg, Germany. Learning this did not surprise us at ATF an iota, as it explains a number of things, not the least of which is the stalwart French opposition to the introduction of any McDonalds into their country. (nb: Even though France has a fairly well-known opposition to McDonalds franchises starting in their country, the number of such sites is now over 900. I believe this once again speaks to the ineffectuality of the French defenses to German invasions of any sort.)
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
Why is it called fatalism? It's not fatal, is it?
-Etymology in Egypt

Dear Etymology,
By "fatal," do you mean "proceeding from, or appointed by, fate or destiny; necessary; inevitable?" If so, then yes, it is fatal. And you can probably gather why it is called that from the definition. It's important to remember that in this crazy language we call English, there are often many definitions of a word. But in our laziness, we don't usually get past the first one.
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
What properties of Saran Wrap^TM make it so durn sticky? I assume it has something to do with water tension, like most other cool things in material science.
-Sticky in St. Louis

Dear Sticky,
Actually, there is a very fine amount of barnacle goo on every piece of Saran wrap. (Note: for those of you in the dark, barnacle goo is the stickiest substance on Earth)
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
what is billy idol's son's last name???
-i dont understand the name thing

Dear i,
Billy. He's Ethiopian.
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
When making some chicken cutlets just now, I came over with the feeling that I was somehow being a good American for eating chicken (instead of soy, or tofu, or some other hippy crap that probably comes from what I assume are jungles far from the US). But then I realized that I have no idea if chicken is actually an American industry. Do my chicken dollars go to help American chicken farmers?
-Perdue in Peoria

Dear Perdue,
Whoa. The internet is insane. There is more information on chicken farmers online than you would ever believe. Check this out: streaming about Jewish chicken ranchers. Who would have thought? But to answer your question, there is a pretty good chance your chicken scratch is funding some nice Canuck chicken farmers up in Canada. (Note: that might count as helping American farmers. I've been pretty fuzzy on a lot of this stuff since the NAFTA haiku debates) Anyway, all is not lost. According to Poultry and Egg News, the USDA forecasts U.S. agricultural exports for fiscal year 2003 at $57.5 billion, a $4 billion increase over the expected $53.5 billion for fiscal year 2002. Can't argue with that! Time to pull yoru money from the stock market and start investing in some commodities!
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
is it true that if your frozen your body contuinues to grow old but if your in suspended animation your body stays the same?
-Andrew

Dear Andrew,
To the best of our knowledge, a person in a properly designed cryogenic system will not age any more than they would if they were not preserved cryogenically. That's because, in both cases, the individual is dead, and (our hopes for the Duke and Ted Williams aside) it's tough to get older than dead. We believe that there has yet to be a single successful case of "reanimation" of a human from a cryogenic state - the low temperatures necessary result in irreparable cellular damage.
In contrast, suspended animation is a far superior method. Mostly because it is purely a definition of something that does not (yet) exist. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
HOW MANY EMAILS IN CAPS LOCK R 2 MUCH 2 HANDLE 4 U?
-(the artist formerly known as princess)

Dear (the,
That's about does 'er.
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
What does "I got no dukes" mean?
-Confused on Grand Island

Dear Confused,
Coloquially, it means "I have no preference in the matter at hand." It's etymology (inasmuch as you can talk about the etymology of a phrase) is derived from an Adam Sandler routine on one of his CDs. The bit with the goat:

"So the old man says to me, 'put up your dukes.' And I say to the old man 'Old man, I an't got no dukes. I just got these fucking hooves.'" I recognize, of course, that there is really no direct reference to ambivalence in the original source, but it's one of those things that has grown with time.

Usage:
F: Hey, there are a couple of things I want to do tonight, but we can only do one. It's either go see The Vagina Monologues, or watch Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.
M: Ahhh, I dunno. I got no dukes.

For some unknown reason, people find it easier to understand the meaning of "I got no dukes" spoken in the correct context than "I just got these fucking hooves." "I got no dukes" generally just results in something of a strange look, and a continuation of the conversation. "I just got these fucking hooves" tends to derail the discourse entirely. As in:

F: Hey, there are a couple of things I want to do tonight, but we can only do one. It's either go see The Vagina Monologues, or watch Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.
M: Look, I just got these fucking hooves.
F: ...

Try it out yourself, and you'll see.
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
If the cast of BiATCh were successfully auctioned but during their journey to the winning bidder they happened to be eaten by a parasite, would the winning bidder sue ATF or the parasite for damage inflicted on the cast? Also, do all members of the cast hold SAG cards?
-Sha-na-na-naaaaaa

Dear Sha-na-na-naaaaaa,
I suppose it depends on the parasite. If the parasite that devoured the cheeses were Iodamoeba butschlii, figure that the recipient really would not have any recourse in the matter (it being relatively tough to access the funds of the estate of I. butschlii). If the parasite in question were, say, Yoko, the legal action could be taken against her and her (quite large) estate.

In any case (and I'll be sure to double check with my legal staff on this), I believe that ATF in general is safe from any civil actions, since we completely and fully discharged our obligations of the agreement.
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
Does the temperature of coffee affect it's laxitive qualities? I've noticed that if I consume hot coffee I'm more likely to poo than if I drink a gallon of iced coffee. Milk not included in either beverage. Am I delusional?
-RedEye

Dear RedEye,
Ain't no way you've finished a gallon of iced coffee. Just wanted to point that out. As for the rest of your question, no, temperature does not affect its laxative properties. Coffee is a known diuretic and will make you pee and get dehydrated either way. Also, coffee will give you cancer. Not coffee per se, but the pink packets I put in my coffee. I really hate them actually. But I continue to use 2 packs per cup (currently 3 cups per day. I know this is bad. See last week's Ask) to prove a point. To be honest, I forget what the point is. But I'm going to continue to do it until someone gives me reason to stop.
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
Can one be addicted to nicotine patches?
-Spark

Dear Spark,
Without question. The difference between smoking cigarettes, chewing nicotiene gum, and using nicotiene patches is exclusively one of delivery. You are still introducing nicoteine (an addictive and potentially lethal chemical) into your system, and it affects your body in the exact same ways (with the caveat that cigarettes tend to supply more of the drug to the body).
Admittedly, it's probably harder to get addicted to either the patch or the gum. You don't see teenagers sneaking out to the corner at lunch and slapping on a Nicoderm(tm) because all the cool kids are doing it. And I don't think anyone has ever said "I like to chew on nicoteine gum, but only when I'm out drinking." But the potential for physical addiction still exists.
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
What's up with chili over salad? That's "wack" (as the kids say). Who originally decided to merge these things into a single meal?
-Burritovillianess

Dear Burritovillianess,
Chili over salad is a quite popular tex-mex treat. It can be a zesty, lower-fat alternative to tacos or burritos. If you want to take it to the next level, mix in some tortilla chips for something more of a texture. This dish is sometimes known as a "Mexican Salad", and is a favorite of at least one of the members of ATF. Feel free to insert your favorite "tossing Mexican Salad" salad here.
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
Why is grep called grep?
-Hungry in Harlem

Dear Hungry,
"The original UNIX text editor "ed" has a construct g/re/p, where "re" stands for a regular expression, to Globally search for matches to the Regular Expression and Print the lines containing them. This was so often used that it was packaged up into its own command, thus named "grep". According to Dennis Ritchie, this is the true origin of the command."
Source: http://www.faqs.org/faqs/usenet/faq/part1/section-21.html
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
do you like to smoke?
-Bill

Dear Bill,
None of us at All Too Flat are smokers. We have eached reached our own, personal (and bleedingly obvious!) realization that smoking cigarettes is detrimental to ones health, and has no redeeming aspects. The pipe you see in the mouth of the dogfish is purely an affectation. Actually, when I blow through it, bubbles come out.
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
I have a 17 meg movie that I want to give to Manny at 660. We can't transfer through AOLIM because of 660's firewall. What do you recommend?
-Biggity Ben

Dear Biggity,
You have a few decent options. You could run an FTP server, assuming that the firewall will allow ftp connections. You could splurge and spend a dollar and burn a CD. You could use a Zip disk (borrow an external USB drive if one of you doens't have one). You could also get one of those nifty USb key ring flash memory doohickey thing.
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
Along with the whole "No Pets Except Seeing-Eye Dogs" thing... There is this Starbucks downtown that has Braille on the Men and Women signs for the bathrooms.... Now I don't know about anyone else, but there's only a few things I want to touch in a public bathroom, and they don't include the bathroom floor or wall... or the toilet as I'm trying to find my to the toilet. Is that weird?
-Mackin Cheese

Dear Mackin,
Is it weird that you don't like to touch public bathroom floors? By our (liberal) standards, no. That is perfectly within reason. Is it weird to put Braille on a door? In general no, but it doesn't make much sense to put it on a public bathroom door. I mean, if a blind person goes into the wrong bathroom there's nothing there they haven't seen before!
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
At the Einstein Institute of Relativity, is the button in the elevator labeled, up or down? Saw this in your jokes repository... anyway... wad do you think the answer would be...
-HuH

Dear HuH,
Most likely the buttons in the elevator have numbers. The ones outside have up or down. Thought you could trick the fish, eh? You gotta wake up pretty early in the morning to get one by us!
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Got a question? Need advice? Ask the Fish!