Dear Ask the Fish,
how did you become a fish?
-mar i jaaa

Dear mar,
Well... Oh, geez, this is a little uncomfortable... Alright, here we go:

When a mommy fish and a daddy fish love each other very much, they migrate to deep water. While the two do love each other, they generally make this trip separately (not unlike human parents that take seperate vacations: Just because you love someone doesn't mean you want to be around them). Once the fish make it to deep water (how deep? About 500m), they perform an act called spawning. This is what makes baby halibut.

For many years, the process of spawning in halibut was a difficult process, with the male halibut often having to undergo great feats to convince the female that he was worthy of her eggs. There were two important advances in the science of halibut spawning that mave have saved a once dwindling species: Alcoholic fish food, and CD players capable of playing Barry White albums a half kilometer underwater.
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
If I think not, am I not? I think not. What do you think?
-Alan

Dear Alan,
Ah, the vagaries of philosophical logic. I'm reminded of the man who, upon proving through a bullet-proof logical syllogism that white was black, got himself killed at the next crosswalk by a car (which had not been informed of his breakthrough). On questions like this, I recall the advice of my Uncle Herbert, who said "Shut the hell up and get a job."
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
Bell peppers are sold by the pound. They have edible parts (the outside) and inedible parts (the seeds, white stuff, and the stem). What is the optimal pepper size to minimize the cost per pound of the edible parts?
-Pepper Pincher

Dear Pepper,
The bigger the better, my friend. All peppers have a fixed amount of seeds (just like women, I think. I mean, I read "An Intimate Geography" and that's what I learned). Point is, on that front, the bigger the better.

What about white stuff? Well, the edible part of a pepper grows as a function of the cube of it's radius, while the white part grows as a function of the square. So again, the larger the pepper, the cheaper (per unit of edible pepper).

The downside is this: the longer you leave it on the plant, the larger it grows (hence cheaper), but it aldo goes through the natural pepper cycle from green to yellow to orange to red. As peppers change colors, they become more and more expensive in the grocery store. So I think the optimal solution is to genetically engineer peppers that grow abnormally large and retain their green color at whatever the cost to the rest of the world's pepper crops.
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
Last week (period of time!) I asked you to help me remember this 1 hen, a couple of ducks etc and you answered

""Five fat fickle females?" I disagree. If you ask me, it would go a little more like this:
One hen, two ducks, three squawking geese, four limerick oysters, five corpulent porpoises, six pairs of Don Alverso's tweezers, Seven thousand Macedonians in full dress battle array, Eight brass monkeys from the ancient sacred crypts of Egypt, Nine apathetic, sympathetic, diabetic old men on roller skates with a marked propensity towards procrastination and sloth, ten conical, spherical, diabolical denizens of the deep who haul, stall around the cores of the quo, of the quay, of the quivy all at the same time!
And since you did ask me, well then, I guess that's how it goes! Booya!"

which prooves that you A) suck, and B) are obviously not a turtle. I happen to know that Kenny is a turtle (as he made me one (you bet your sweet ass I'm a turtle, biatch!)) so I would like you to pass this question along to him. For some unfounded reason, I have faith that he will remember. This is, of course, totally assinine as there is approximately a snowflake's chance in hell that he will (remember, that is). Never-the-less, I hold out hope for another week or so until you answer this!

(I think the 7000 macedonians was the same, a nice touch. I am a big fan of battle array) ((in the meantime, send help, I am quite lonely in here))

-Turtles don't remember as well as elephants

Dear Turtles,
Actually, on re-examining his data banks, kennybot did remember the sequence that he learned for his turtleing:

'One fat hen, a couple of ducks, three brown bears, four running hares, five fat fickle females sitting sipping scotch, six simple Simons sitting on a stump, seven Sinbad sailors sailing the seven seas on a sloop, eight egotistical egoists echoing egotistical ecstacies, nine nudist nublings nibbling nublings of nuts, gnats, and nictotine, I was never a fig plucker nor a fig pluckers' son, but I'll pluck all the figs 'til the fig plucker comes: You bet your sweet ass I'm a turtle.

The reason it took so long to remember is that the neural connections holding that information were annihilated the very night they were created. Some time had to pass for a new pathway to form.
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
any information on penguins
-reh

Dear reh,
Strictly speaking, that's not a question. But it's not too difficult to reformulate, so I'll assume that what you wrote was "Oh great oracle of the seas - can you give me any information on penguins?" To which I would reply "Yes I can."

They are kind of funny looking. They seem to congregate around painters named "Popper." And they have stinky fish breath. They are also cold. I think they might be mammals because they are furry, but I'm not positive about that. They do have some serious bird qualities. They aren't too bright, but they like to slide on the ice on their bellies, which is probably really fun.
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
Not really a question, but the answer to "How long would one mol (g?) of steel wire, at 20g per cm^3, and diameter of 5cm be?" is around 0.14cm. I am using standard 440 stainless steel as the example here, which basis its chemical composition has a relative molecular mass of 54.9283g/mol. At 20g/cm^3 that would only be 2.746 cubic cm, which for a 5cm diameter wire (19.635cm^2) would only be around approx 0.142cm. It should be noted that steel has a density of 7.650g/cm^3, not 20, so in reality it would be about 0.366cm long. I must also point out that 5cm diameter wire is fricken huge and 5mm was probably what the person asking the question meant to say, which would make the wire 100 times longer than in these calculations: 139.87mm and 365.68mm to be precise at 2 decimal places.
-Chemistry Guy

Dear Chemistry,
And this isn't really an answer, but that was a great email to get. Thanks.
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
Hi Fish!
What is the definition and origin of the phrase "Catch 22"? Please give an example also.
Thanks!
-Stumped in Seattle

Dear Stumped,
We're really psyched you asked that question. As far as we can tell, the first time the phrase was used was in a movie with the same name (a movie which, btw, you should definitely see). It describes a situation whose components have a circular set of dependancies (some thing A depends on thing B which in turn depends on A).

We see a good example of a Catch-22 in a conversation I recently overheard between a couple on Astor place:
F: I really want to go see The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood this weekend.
M: There's no way I'm going to see the The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.
F: No way?
M: Well, maybe if I get some nookie tonight.
F: There's no way you are getting any nookie unless you take me to see the The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.
M: This is something of a Catch-22.
F: You'll cave.
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
In the car on the highway, I always feel that someone is following me. How do I get rid of this feeling?
-Paranoid in the car

Dear Paranoid,
Ask me politely to stop.
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
Why is the girl on the Morton's salt container holding an umbrella? What does that have to do with salt?
-Sophia in Sodium Showers

Dear Sophia,
More than just a piece of good advertising, the umbrella girl illustrates Morton's innovation in the storage and processing of salt. Until this century, salt was shipped either in bulk or in barrels. Morton sold its salt in small cloth bags, but the salt easily absorbed moisture and the resulting lump would not sit on a kitchen shelf. The buyer had to first hit the salt with a mallet and then pour it into a glass jar. Square cartons were easier to use but not much more moisture resistant. The first round carton appeared on the market in 1900, but it had a wooden spout that was plugged with a cork between uses. The material allowed moisture to penetrate, and the salt was prone to caking. Morton began research in 1907 on a solution to this problem.

The company attacked it on three fronts: the stopper, a moisture barrier, and an additive to prevent caking. In 1911, Morton's four years of research paid off. Magnesium carbonate was found to absorb moisture because of two unusual properties: it slakes, that is, adds water of crystallization to become magnesium carbonate trihydrate, and its solubility is enhanced in the presence of sodium chloride. Adding a small amount of magnesium carbonate to salt allows it to flow freely even in humid conditions. Morton packaged this new salt product in the now-familiar round container, moisture resistant and equipped with a patented metal pouring spout.

Besides, what does that scantily clad woman on the cover of Car and Driver have to do with automobiles?
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
If you dressed up as an I-Pod for Halloween, would everyone laugh at you for being a huge dork? Should they?
-Big Ben

Dear Big,
You tell me.

-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time?
-CAN'T REMEBER MY OWN NAME

Dear CAN'T,
M: mmm... baby.... oh yeah... this is almost exactly what it was like with your sister...
F: WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY?!?!??!?!
M: I don't remember.
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
What would the speed of lightning be if it didn't zigzag?
-STRIKE

Dear STRIKE,
c. No matter what it is c. I think the c stands for crazy. This guy is the one who proved this. Pretty neat, huh?
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
Why do fish need salt?
-student

Dear student,
I assume you mean salt water fish. I assure you that a cup of salt will do some serious damage to a fresh-water fish. (Don't challenge us on this one. We'll prove it if you don't believe it!)
It is a simple matter of physics, my friend. You see, tropical fish have semi-permeable scales. Water can freely flow in and out of them. That is how they breathe. But, if you remember from high school, water will flow from a from a less concetrated solution to a more concetrated solution. This is due to osmotic pressure. The salt-water maintains equilibrium. If you put the fish in fresh water, all the water would rush into the fish and it would burst like a balloon!
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
I am in need of a new vehicle. Money is no object and after much consideration I have narrowed it down between a Northrop P-61 Black Widow and a 1997 Pontiac Trans Sport. The P-61 is bristling to the teeth with machine guns and cannons, but the Trans Sport has posi-trak uni-flow, and tru coat. What should I do?
-djrock

Dear djrock,
Hmmmm... A very interesting question. Well, the Black Widow is an excellent choice; first battled-tested in 1944 during the second World War. The M-2 cannons under the fuselage will come in handy on those days where a quick kill is required, and with space for another four 725 kg external weapons on wing, you'll never want for heavy armament. And as there are only 3 of the P-61's thought to be in existence today, it's a rare opportunity. However, it does require a crew of three highly trained aeronauts, so this is something to keep in mind when calling your friends for a joyride. On the other hand, the Pontiac Trans Sport is thought by more than a few to be "not your average minivan." Though completely lacking in a weapon system of any kind, the Trans Sport only requires a crew of one, and more than makes up for it's absence of flight capability with a roomy interior. I think untimately you have to decide whether you are looking for a smooth, comfortable ride whilst taking your 8 year old to soccer practice, or to shoot Tojo's minions out of the air into the Pacific.
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
I like to wear sweaters to work, but I'm concerned about my image. Are sweaters cool? My guess is no. No way in hell. So my question for you is this: Is it even possible to misconstrue a person wearing a sweater as cool? If it was possible that someone would see me in a sweater and accidently mistake me for someone cool, I will consider that a yes and continue wearing them. What do you think?
-Ben at Bloomberg

Dear Ben,
I'll answer this with an existence proof that it is possible to look cool in a sweater:

-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
Which is better, Supreme or Elite?
-The evil one and the slightly less evil one

Dear The,
Definitely supreme. Elite is only work 5 points while supreme is worth 11 plus 50 for using all your tiles!
-ATF

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