Dear Ask the Fish,
I've heard people smoking salmon, but I tried to light on up and all it did was flap. What did I do wrong?
-the mad doctor
Dear the,
Silly doctor. You can't smoke salmon like that. You have to free-bass it first!
-ATF
Dear Ask the Fish,
how much Elvis Costello is too much to have on your ipod?
-ben at bloomberg
Dear ben,
If you had everything Elvis ever recorded on your ipod, you'd still have 18.2GB free, so I wouldn't worry about it too much... Although if you listen to music by genre, I'm afraid he'll come on every other song in Wuss Rock.
-ATF
Dear Ask the Fish,
How many blocks is one mile?
-Elyanora
Dear Elyanora,
City? 20.
Lego? 63,360.
-ATF
Dear Ask the Fish,
If you're broke how can you keep amused for summer vacation? P.S. I live a town the size of a thimble with lazy friends and a demented twin sister
-Shona
Dear Shona,
Hmmmm.... Did you say summer vacation? I think this is a sign that we are a little behind on answering Fish questions. Crap. Ummmm... if you're really bored next summer we have a backlog of 260 ATFish questions you can help with. If we don't shape up we're never going to get people to buy memberships.
On the other hand, you're probably writing from the Southern Hemisphere (durn global economy), in which case it is summer and you are more than welcome to start answering fishy questions now.
-ATF
Dear Ask the Fish,
how can i become a millionaire?
-amzathali
Dear amzathali,
That's a great question. If you're really interested, you can purchase my new book "Rich Fish, Poor Fish" on sale now from Bantam Books.
But having already suffered through that inspirational waste of time, i'll give you the synopsis in a nutshell: real estate. That's the entire point of the entire Rich Fish series. Buy real estate. Slam!
-ATF
Dear Ask the Fish,
My boyfriend is currently going to college 45 minutes away from home right now. After my graduation, I'm moving to a college a two and a half hours away from him. He's not happy where he is, and I'm trying to convince him to go to the same college as I... which is a better college for his intended major and is cheaper... but, anywho... How would you suggest that I convince him to move?
-Just Violet
Dear Just,
Let me get this straight. It's a better school, a cheaper school, he's not happy where he is, and you are at the new school. And you need help convincing him? I think you should find a more sensible gentleman caller is what I think.
-ATF
Dear Ask the Fish,
What is the proper tipping etiquette when you get carry-out at a restaurant?
-Tipper More
Dear Tipper,
Carry-out? No tip. Delivery is a harder question. I think you should give the same as ausual tip: 15%-20%. I mean, I tip a dollar no matter what, but 15% makes sense. delivery is usually 10-20 bucks, so the tip should be like 2 or 3. Also, if you skimp on the tip and they get pissed, they already know where you live.
Which is why I always go to Kennyb's house to get Chinese food.
-ATF
Dear Ask the Fish,
Canadian or american bacon?
-Tom
Dear Tom,
American bacon to eat. Canadian Bacon to watch.
-ATF
Dear Ask the Fish,
What (in your exalted opinions) are the six funniest words in the English language?
And no, "cheese" does not count.
-Mike
Dear Mike,
In no particular order:
cock
cocktail
Bangkok
cockeyed
cockamamie
shuttlecock
If we weren't limited to English, I would choose poontang and
splooge as well.
-ATF
Dear Ask the Fish,
Let's say you have a botttomless mug of say... Root Beer, and you have to use a fork to drink it (dip, lick, etc) You can't pick up the glass or drink the Root Beer in any other way. The mug is on an average-hight table, and you're sitting in a chair that's also average hight.
My question to you, is would the person gain or burn calories? Would the motion of dipping the fork in the Root Beer be enough to cancell out the calories in the Root Beer?
-Bored in Ladysmith (the dullest town ever)
Dear Bored,
Well now, you're definitely asking the wrong fish, because I have recently gone on the Atkins diet and only drink diet root beer, which has zero calories. Therefore, I'd say that yes, you'd burn more calories than you'd consume.
Given that it was regular root beer though, I have to think that given an infinite amount of time (it is a bottomless mug) that you would find a way to gain calories. If it's a matter of suvival, you will become more efficient at getting soda (pop?) to your mouth. If you learned nothing else fro Jurassic Park, remember this: Nature finds a way.
-ATF
Dear Ask the Fish,
So I was sitting in a bathroom stall at work, minding my business and playing some bejeweled, when this guy comes in and gets in the stall next to me. He then proceeds to fart up a storm. Like 7 or 8 farts in a row. I know they are just farts cuz i don't hear any water splashing. They're like whoopie cushion farts. I could hardly contain myself from laughing. Is it rude to laugh at someone farting in the next stall? What if it's a lot of farts, like 20 or 30 farts in a row?
-Sitting in a Stall in Savanna
Dear Sitting,
I think it's okay to laugh. I mean, most likely he's going to be on the can after your long gone. and if he does get up to start something with you, you can show him that you were just playing bejeweled and they weren't chestnuts in your cheeks, they were rubber balls. and they're not in your cheeks, they're in your hands. (God I love that movie)
-ATF
Dear Ask the Fish,
There are medical doctors who practice medicine and there are medical doctors that conduct research. Are there dentists who conduct research? Why don't we hear about ground-breaking dental research in the news?
-Dr. Doofus
Dear Dr.,
Are you freaking kidding me? Don't you use an Oral B electric toothbrush and Listerine Strips? Groundbreaking? I'd say! These things changed my life!
-ATF
Dear Ask the Fish,
how come i've never seen a baby pigeon?
-ben on the bus
Dear ben,
because you spend too much time reading Ask Jeeves advertisements. No really. If you were busier looking for baby pigeons and not at billboards, maybe you'd realize that mothers are very protective of their young and they don't let them our until they are big enough to do okay on their own. Also, young pigeons are almost the size of normal pigeons, so it's hard to tell. Also, did you know a baby pigeon is called a squab? Finally, did you know that more pigeons hold the record for the most medals given to an animal for "diplaying conspicuous gallantry as a member of the armed forces or civil defence units during a war." Weird, huh?
-ATF
Dear Ask the Fish,
how far is too far to walk for the nicer bathroom at work?
-ben at bloomberg
Dear ben,
Anywhere on your floor is fine. I try to keep it to one floor away at most. You better have a good reason for wanting to walk mulitple flights of stairs to use a different bathroom. It probably has something to do with that creepy bejeweled guy who's always laughing at people in their stalls...
-ATF
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