Help Me Name My...
- 09/2/2003
In an attempt to increase the frequency of updates to the site, we are adding yet another freaking blog. I don't know why we think this will increase the frequency of updates to site - we have at least three of the things anyway, and they are updated just about as often as Boston wins the World Series. But we try. Ask The Fish will now be done blog style, with new entries getting posted as soon as they are answered. Expect the same quality of advice that you have come to expect (from what is either a 800 lb halibut with a highly defined sense of irony, or one of four uber-geeks with nothing better to do on a Saturday night).

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    Dear Ask the Fish,
    Do you guys have an official ATF screensaver? Maybe a halibut named erick who swims around and periodically does something completely different and/or funny? Maybe y'all could hook up with, this guy specializes in cool 3D screensavers, and they're all small files, and they're all cool. anywho, look into it, maybe. (sorry, that sort of turn into Tell the Fish, instead of Ask the fish. Shit happens)
    -f**k the whales, save the screens!!!

    Dear f**k,
    True 'dat. As it happens, we do have an official ATF screensaver (it's pretty lacking of any thing particularly fishy, but it's pretty stinking cool nonetheless).

    Oh, I didn't follow that link in the question. Someone write and tell me if it's porn or something, would you?

    02 Sep 2003

    Dear Ask the Fish,
    How do you smoke that pipe if you're underwater?

    Dear wondering,
    It's a water pipe, dude.

    01 Sep 2003

    Dear Ask the Fish,
    how come sex is so much fun?

    Dear boboshom,
    Because God wants us all to surrender to base biological imperatives that override all higher thought and common sense, sending us careening into meaningless one-night stands that erode what little self-esteem remains to us, or into pointless, dead-end long-term relationships that destroy our ability to function on our own, or to create miserable, dysfunctional prison-like families that perpetuate a cycle of disappointment and psychological abuse, or to catch incurable diseases that leave us physically and psychically deformed at best or lead us to an endlessly slow death at worst.

    Still, Kylie Minogue--whooooooooah, eh? Whooooooooah, eh? Eh?

    01 Sep 2003

    Dear Ask the Fish,
    I have 3 grammar questions for yous:
    1) Do yous think that a plural form of you would be a positive addition to our language?
    2) What about a singular form of 'they?' That would eliminate the gender bias intrinsic in 'he' and make 'he/she' obsolete.
    3) Finally, should pronouns that modify proper nouns be capitalized?

    -Ben reading the Transitive Vampire

    Dear Ben,
    1) Indeed I do. Three cheers, then, for regional American dialect, which has given us "youse," "youse guys," "y'all," "all y'all," and even "alla y'all" (as in "alla y'all bustas betta recognize").

    2)One would think that a non-gender-biased singular form of "they" would be an intrinisically good thing, wouldn't one?

    3) I asked God, and He told me He'd bet His Ass they should.

    01 Sep 2003

    Dear Ask the Fish,
    why is grass green?
    -Bored at Home

    Dear Bored,
    There are a number of factors that contribute to grass looking green. Foremost is the way visible light behaves when striking a surface. When white light (light that is composed of energy from across the visible spectrum of red to violet) strikes a surface, some of that energy is absorbed by the surface, and some is reflected. That portion of the spectrum which is reflected off the surface is the energy that our eyes collect to form an image in our brains.

    Which answers the question of why things have color, but not why grass is green. The reason grass is green is that it just so happens that grass tends to absorb the entire visible spectrum except green energy, which it reflects back. The reason it behaves thusly is that grass is chock-full of chlorophyll, which (as you'll recall from your highschool biology classes) is a cellular structure which uses light energy to convert carbon dioxide into oxygen and ATP (a chemical which does energy storage for cells). Chlorophyll uses light energy from the entire visible spectrum except (you guessed it) green to perform this task. Hence, that light is reflected back. Pretty huge, no?

    01 Sep 2003

    Dear Ask the Fish,
    Dear Mr. Fish,
    I love Billy Joel, mostly because he's hysterically funny (although I have come to enjoy his music). But my friends at home fail to see the amusement in watching his music videos. Is there some legal way I can force them to watch Billy? Or should I just leave them be and know that they're worse off for not finding him humourous?
    -Billy Club

    Dear Billy,
    No, there is nothing you can do to force them to watch Billy Joel. Excuse me, however, if I go on and give you a friendly warning.

    You are at the beginning of a pair of slippery slopes which end with you being a total tool.

    The first is the path to cynicism. You find Billy Joel humerous, campy, and pretty much a joke. This is perfectly acceptable, but when you find yourself going out of your way to indulge in activities which allow you to feel Oh So Superiour, itll happen more and more frequently. Pretty soon you'll find that you're wearing cowboy hats and belts with big buckles, listening to music from Matador records exclusively, and use the word "PoMo" too much (which is to say ever).

    Alternatively, you'll follow the opposite path. You indulge your Billy Joel fascination overmuch, and find yourself humming tracks from Glass Houses when you least expect it. Pretty soon, you're thinking about the subtext in Angry Young Man, and looking for the sheet music to the Piano Man. You've become a Joel fan. Clearly the better of the two results, but still a disaster of epic proportions.

    01 Sep 2003

    Dear Ask the Fish,
    What is the best way to masturbate?
    -hands of steel

    Dear hands,

    01 Sep 2003

    Dear Ask the Fish,
    does he really love me?

    Dear J,
    If you wanna know
    (shoop shoop shoop shoop shoop shoop shoop)
    if he loves you so
    it's in his kiss
    (that's where it is.... oh yeah!)

    01 Sep 2003

    Dear Ask the Fish,
    my academic srudies is very week , though i work hard upto my satisfication, i am not able to produce proper result???

    Dear inbarajan,
    I wouldn't have guessed it. I don't know that I'm the best person to be giving advice on this subject, having generally done fairly well in my academic career. However, I can give you the advice that my parents gave my sister when she started to fall behind in my studies: "Erica," they said, "if your grades don't improve, we're pushing you into a drag net whereupon you'll be sold to a Long John Silvers where they'll make you into a fillet-o-fish."

    01 Sep 2003

    Dear Ask the Fish,
    Gamecube is the best ,right?

    Dear Ash,
    Definitely. Two reasons: (1) Metroid Prime and (2) The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker.

    On the other hand, you can run Linux on your Xbox (which is funny because you're running Linux on Microsoft hardware...not funny ha ha, but funny ironic).

    01 Sep 2003

    Dear Ask the Fish,
    Which genius coined the exclamatory phrase: " Crap. On a stick!" ?

    Dear Attributor.,
    I really think the answer has to be taken in two parts. I'll go ahead and take the aft-part first, if you don't mind. "... On a stick!" first came into widespread use by stand-up comedian Jeff Dunham (who's site, appropriately enough is with his famous "Jalapeno on a stick" routine. It's brilliant: He's got this talking jalapeno... on a stick!

    Well, maybe you have to see it live to really get it. Anyway, any comedic use of the phrase "on a stick" is subject to legal action by Mr. Dunham due to copyright laws pertaining to prior art. Which is why today ATF is ATF and not ATFOAS. As far as the fore-part of the phrase, the word 'crap' is actually a anglic corruption of the word saxon word 'carp,' meaning fish. Which is why I severely object to any use of the phrase 'crap on a stick.' How would you feel if I used the phrase 'human on a pike' to express mild displeasure? Maybe 'pike' isn't the right word to use there...

    01 Sep 2003

    Dear Ask the Fish,
    One of my friends was talking to me about something usually meaning nothing and I was staring off into space. Well, not like staring at the sky and smiling at the clouds. No, I just stared at the middle of her eyes and woosh I was in my lala land. So when I go back from my staring, my friend said something about Epiphany(which was all I could catch) and then waited for me to answer. Of course not knowing what she was blahing about,I stood there and smiled at her. Then she got mad and stomped off. So my the question is what does Epiphany mean?

    Dear daydreamer,
    Ah, I haven't answered a question that could be answered with a quick Google search since... well, the last time I answered a question.

    Interestingly enough, the primary definition of "epiphany" is that it is a (Christian) holy festival celebrating the coming of the Magi as the first manifestion of Christ to the Gentiles. However, the more common usage of the word (in my humble yet vocabulariffic experience) is that an epiphany is a sudden realization as to the essential nature of some thing (both definitions taken from our standard text,

    And I realize you didn't ask, but maybe the reason your friend got mad and stomped off is that she had her own epiphany about your own essential nature (ie that you are a horrible conversationalist)?

    01 Sep 2003

    Dear Ask the Fish,
    Dear fish, there's this guy at school who everyone thinks is a total nerd but I think is kinda cute. How can I get his attention?

    Dear Mary,
    I've been that guy before. It's a rough place for him to be. You must woo him, carefully and gently. Coax him to your side, quietly and slowly as if he was a timid deer and you were someone that wanted to make out with a deer. Tend his interest, like it was a fragile rose, and you were an obsessive-compulsive gardener off your meds.

    Incidental contact while handing him things, shy smiles and sidelong lookbacks - don't bother with the hair flip, most of us are too dense to see that. Show a little fin, too. That always gets me paying attention.


    01 Sep 2003

    Dear Ask the Fish,
    Are you guys still doing Ask the Fish?
    -One of your few "members"

    Dear One,
    Yes. Yes we are.

    01 Sep 2003

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