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Ask The Fish - 12/1/2003
In an attempt to increase the frequency of updates to the site, we are adding yet another freaking blog. I don't know why we think this will increase the frequency of updates to site - we have at least three of the things anyway, and they are updated just about as often as Boston wins the World Series. But we try. Ask The Fish will now be done blog style, with new entries getting posted as soon as they are answered. Expect the same quality of advice that you have come to expect (from what is either a 800 lb halibut with a highly defined sense of irony, or one of four uber-geeks with nothing better to do on a Saturday night).

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    Dear Ask the Fish,
    is to day a good day
    -john

    Dear john,
    Woof. You know, I have absolutely no idea. By the time I got around to answering this question, over 8 months had past. Sorry about that!
    -ATF

    28 Nov 2003



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    Let's say that I have a "blemish" on the side of my otherwise perfect nose. It's one of those red bumps that hurts, but refuses to become anything that can be popped. It's not responding to traditional therapy, either. If I pricked a hold in it and poured oil directly into the scourge, would it become a burstable entity?
    -Nauseous from Noxema

    Dear Nauseous,
    Yes. You should TOTALLY try that. And take pictures, and put up a webpage, and link to us.

    Please note: Advice provided by a fish with a dogs head is almost definitely bad advice, and Alltooflat.com is void of any responsibility for damages (physical, mental, or monetary) that arise from people, fish, or dogs, acting on advice drawn from this column.
    -ATF

    28 Nov 2003



    Dear Ask the Fish,

    Why does my voice change pitch when I inhale helium?
    -Huffing in Huffington, IL

    Dear Huffing,
    Either the helium (a lighter gas than the oxygen you normally breathe) makes your vocal cords vibrate faster and produce a higher-pitched sound by changing their resonant frequency, or you're Peter Brady.
    -ATF

    28 Nov 2003



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    Is it true that there is a world beyond the internet, and can you prove it?
    -Internet Addict

    Dear Internet,
    I think this is one of those unanswerable questions. Or maybe the answer is no. We'll see where this takes us.

    It's like a paradox, of sorts. It all has to do with semantic constructs only existing in the framework in which that construct was built. You ask me a question, using the internet. I'm to respond, again using the same framework. Even if I do find some thing A that does exist beyond the internet (which is a big "if," since I honestly have no idea how I would go about performing that particular feat), my encoding and presentation of A on alltooflat.com would immediately incorporate A into the internet (at least to a certain extent), rendering my answer (which, before I posted the response, was "Yes there is, and it's thing A) false.

    So, in short, the answer is no. Or rather, maybe, but you'll never be able to read about it on the net, and then - is it really worth knowing about anyway?
    -ATF

    28 Nov 2003



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    all right, being a stupid person, i told this guy that i liked that i was a year older than i accually am. I KNOW THIS WAS STUPID. but now im afraid to tell him/have him find out. im afraid hell hate me. what would you do if you were him/me, oh mighty fish?
    please use the powers of the fishyness to help me in my somewhat nasty prediciment!!!!
    -pants on fire

    Dear pants,
    It's not really so bad - just go on and tell him, acting embarrassed and sheepish. I'm sure he'll forgive. Just promise to keep wearing that little schoolgirl outfit, and I'll be just as happy.
    -ATF

    28 Nov 2003



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    Will extreme sunburn cause Chris' nose to fall off?
    -Dave

    Dear Dave,
    I suppose if someone held a magnifying glass between Chris' honker and the sun, it would curl up and burst into flames just like an ant. I'd be more worried about the other more common effects of sun damage - horrible pains and potential permanent damage. But to be fair, I can't think of any instances of heavy sunburn that have caused the loss of any extremity, so you're probably fine.

    But I am reminded of my Uncle Horatio Hornbender - a serious sun worshipper. Spent so much time in the sun that he developed a tumerous growth on his cheek. Now, Uncle Horatio was never one to be right on top of things, so by the time he headed out to the doctor, it had grown into something that was the exact same size and shape as his real nose, and there was nothing his sawbones could do. As it turned out, he never went out into the sun again. Not so much because he was concerned about doing more damage to his body, but rather because he had very sensitive eyes, and could never find a pair of sunglasses that would sit comfortably on the bridges of his noses.
    -ATF

    28 Nov 2003



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    I always ask people to kick me and they won't. How can I get them to?
    -Kick me

    Dear Kick,
    I don't know what your problem is. I get kicked all the time, and I'm not even trying!
    -ATF

    28 Nov 2003



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    Why isn't cabbage the ultimate party vegetable?
    -Reeweeza

    Dear Reeweeza,
    Because, clearly, it is the rutabega.
    -ATF

    28 Nov 2003



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    If buttered bread always falls butter-side down, and a cat always lands on its feet, what happens if you strap a slice of buttered bread butter-side up to the back of a cat and throw the whole thing out a window?
    -Master Procrastinator

    Dear Master,
    The countries greatest scientists (and the Wonder Bread corporation) have studied this paradox for years. They eventually came up with the Theory of Purrpetual Motion, which states:

    When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis of a high-speed monorail system.

    I, of course, have not validated this theory at ATF labs as there are no cats in the ocean. There are catfish, however, but they don't have feet. And us bottom feeders don't particularly like to hang out together.
    -ATF

    28 Nov 2003



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    If I go to sleep, will the monkeys get me??
    -scared

    Dear scared,
    That depends. Are you on the planet of the apes? If so, then yes, in general the monkeys will get you in your sleep. If not, then the answer depends on a number of factors including, but not limited to (a) the number of monkeys in your room, and (b) the size of the laser gun underneath your pillow.
    -ATF

    28 Nov 2003



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    what's the best way to organize my spring break porn? by year or by beach?
    -ben @ home

    Dear ben,
    Cup size, prob'ly.
    -ATF

    28 Nov 2003



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    what did the cow suffering an identity crisis say to the farmer?

    BAAAAAAAAH

    I had two questions about two subjects seemingly unrelated, but now I just have one.


    I will soon be entering college (cornell) and am reaching the point where high school is not only stupid, but needlessly dull. Is it important, in the opinion of an aquatic two-dimensional smoker, to "finish strong" with school or is it allright to start slacking off?

    Thanks Reinhardtius hippoglossoides!

    -GOD, oh wait no, just Scott

    Dear GOD,,
    That's a pretty good question. Well, if you ask any one of your mentors (family, teachers, coaches, etc) they will tell you that it's important to do your best even at this point in the term. Which is why I'm glad you wrote and asked the fish. That's total crap. Seriously.

    You got into school, right? (Go Big Red!) Take if from a fish who knows - they aren't going to withdraw your acceptance if your grades drop a little. Now, I'm not suggesting that you completely slack off and quit doing all your work, but you and I both know that there's doing your work, and there's just going through the motions.

    So yourself a favor - just go through the motions. You've worked hard to get to this point, you deserve some time off. Use this opportunity to flirt with high school chicks and cut class. Just make sure you graduate.
    -ATF

    28 Nov 2003



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    should i take my girlfriend to the movies this week. if so what should i see
    -neal

    Dear neal,
    You should totally take your girlfriend to the movies this week. But take the opportunity to go a little further than you usually do with it - put on something a little nicer than you usually do, take her to a romantic restaurant to which you haven't yet been, give her some flowers... You know, really show her a nice time.

    That's it, no joke here. Just be a nice guy. I hear that totally gets them into the sack.
    -ATF

    28 Nov 2003



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    Why was Macbeth hesitant to kill Duncan
    -Anonymous

    Dear Anonymous,
    Ultimately, Macbeth is hesitant to kill Duncan because he isn't a bad guy. I mean, clearly he's a bad guy - he kills in order to entrench himself in a position of power, which is pretty much one of the definitions of "bad guy" (homo horribilus, a close relation of homo discourteousus, but nastier).

    Macbeths monologue in Act I Scene VII provide the clearest description of why he may not wish to kill the king. First, Macbeth is Duncan's "kinsman and subject, Strong both against the deed." Second, Macbeth is playing host to Duncan in the castle, and as such should act as protector to his guest. And not, you know, stab him to death. Finally, Macbeth realizes that Duncan has done a yeomans job at kinging, and:

    his virtues
    Will plead like angels trumpet-tongued against
    The deep damnation of his taking-off,
    And pity, like a naked new-born babe
    Striding the blast, or heaven's cherubin horsed
    Upon the sightless couriers of the air,
    Shall blow the horrid deed in every eye,
    That tears shall drown the wind.

    That clear it up?
    -ATF
    28 Nov 2003



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