All Too Flat : Serious : Ask The Fish

In an attempt to increase the frequency of updates to the site, we are adding yet another freaking blog. I don't know why we think this will increase the frequency of updates to site - we have at least three of the things anyway, and they are updated just about as often as Boston wins the World Series. But we try. Ask The Fish will now be done blog style, with new entries getting posted as soon as they are answered. Expect the same quality of advice that you have come to expect (from what is either a 800 lb halibut with a highly defined sense of irony, or one of four uber-geeks with nothing better to do on a Saturday night).

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Dear Ask the Fish,
Should I have got out of bed today?
-steve

Dear steve,
The answer to this question is always 'no'. Nothing bad can happen to you when you're in bed. Example: take the event of a car driving through a puddle and splashing you with mud. I'd bet my left gill that this event has happened more times when you were not in bed than when you were in bed. See what I'm saying? Never get out of bed.
-ATF

14 Dec 2003

Dear Ask the Fish,
are you fat

-bob

Dear bob,
Not fat, per se. But my scales shimmer horizontally as opposed to vertically. So it's a little unflattering.
-ATF

14 Dec 2003

Dear Ask the Fish,
Is their life after death?
-Vilhelm the boy wonder

Dear Vilhelm,
Is their life after death what? I don't know anything about them, let alone their stuff, and if they own life after death, maybe I don't want to know.
-ATF

14 Dec 2003

Dear Ask the Fish,
Dear Fish,

Will you please explain the origin of the euphemism HUGE? Plus I rolled a 214 in bowling class, which is a class high, though not so impressive otherwise.
-"The Larger and Heavier" Freedom and his sidekick, Steel Reserve

Dear "The,
The root phrase of "huge" is "that comes up huge." Long ago we used to say "that comes up huge" to mean that something was good. For example, "Kennyb is coming over with a case of beer. That comes up huge." Of course, the opposite of "that comes up huge" is "that comes up not so huge." As in, "Kennyb was supposed to bring a case of beer, but instead he punched me in the nuts. That comes up not so huge."

Soon after the root phrase "that comes up huge" was discovered, it was realized that the phrase was too long and it was decided that the phrase needed to be shortened. Two camps formed and people were split between saying "that comes up" and "huge." There was much debate and each form had its advantages and disadvantages. Advocates of "that comes up", the so called Come-Uppers, argued that "that comes up" was better because it still contained the spirit of the original phrase. On the other hand, "huge" was terse and abrasive to the ears. The proponents of "huge", also known as the Hugeunots, argued that this terseness was what made it great, and that the phrase could be expanded into new forms like "huge huge," "huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugggeee," and "huge indeed." In fact, scientists had recently proved that the possibilities of extending "huge" were almost limitless. At this point, the balance of power started to shift to the Hugeunots. In an effort to garner support, the Come-Uppers decided to shorten the phrase even further to "comes up." But, their ploy failed miserably and soon thereafter, everybody had converted to "huge." And thus, the modern Hugassic period was born.

Rolling a 214 is seriously huge. I went bowling a few weeks ago and I had 3 gutter balls after a strike, which was not so huge, to use the parlance of our times.
-ATF

14 Dec 2003

Dear Ask the Fish,
I'm running windows (don't hate me) is there a way to change the "start" in my start button to "HUGE!" ?
-Bill

Dear Bill,
There are several third party applications to do this. You can try using Hook99, which will let you change the icon and text. If you're using XP, you can also try StyleXP which lets you customize the look of most of the GUI.

Huge?
-ATF

14 Dec 2003

Dear Ask the Fish,
Wut should i get my gurl for her b-day??
-Cool Dude

Dear Cool,
Question to self: Is it too easy to say "I don't know, but get yourself a spellchecker?" Answer: Yes, it is.

Flowers

-ATF

14 Dec 2003

Dear Ask the Fish,
should i go out with jess?
-all flat out

Dear all,
When I first read this, I thought it read "should I go out with jesus." And I thought about that for a while. I mean, on one hand, he is a really nice guy, and someone great to have at a party (what with that whole water to wine thing). And talk about party tricks! That "put your hand through my side" bit beats anything I've ever seen short of David Blaine's levitation. Add that to the fact that it's just about the guy's birthday, and he probably deserves a night out.

On the other hand, regardless of whether or not I think Jesus should be taken out, I might be hard pressed to suggest that you be the person to do so. Not that I don't think you're good enough or anything, but it's a lot of pressure taking out the son of God. I mean, where do you take him for dinner? Does he only eat manna, and if so, so where can you get that these days? Worst of all, the paparazzi would be more of a pain in the ass on a date with Jesus than they would if they heard that Ashton and Demi were double dating with Saddam and Laura Bush. So there is clearly an upside and a downside to the question.

But I suppose all of that is really just as an aside, since you really asked "should i go out with jess?" On that question, I'm considerably less conflicted. I also care considerably less. So I'll say: Yes, you should go out with jess. But don't bother me any more about it unless he brings someone back from the dead or something.
-ATF

14 Dec 2003

Dear Ask the Fish,
is it just me or can Lil Bow Wow actually act? Dude's nasty n Like Mike
-movie fan

Dear movie,
That's as may be, but there's always something troubling about the way little-kid rappers rap about the same stuff grown-ups do, namely hoes. Why do I get the feeling that before long he'll be starring in a documentary called Like R. Kelly?
-ATF

14 Dec 2003

Dear Ask the Fish,
Whats the meaning of life... (assuming it is NOT 42)
-Cameron

Dear Cameron,
It is a common misconception that the "meaning of life" is 42. In fact, 42 is "The Ultimate Answer to Life, the Universe and Everything." as computed by the computer Deep Thought. The main problem is that the ultimate question to life, the universe and everything is unknown, as the computer that was working on that one was destroyed 5 minutes before coming up with the solution. Some pretty lousy timing, if you ask me.

But to address your original question (even though technically you didn't ask a question), I think Monty Python's Meaning of Life said it best: "The meaning of life is to live."
-ATF

14 Dec 2003

Dear Ask the Fish,
do you bang fish or hot chicks? Also, how do you breath if you are typing on a computer out of the water?
-Kyle

Dear Kyle,
I prefer fish, although I have been known to occasionally swim upstream, as it were. Y'know, there's nothing wrong with experimenting when you're young and in school. As for typing on a computer, what usually happens is I jump out of the water and flop around on the keyboard for about a minute and then slide back into the water. It can be quite tiring when i have to type words like "slap."
-ATF

14 Dec 2003

Dear Ask the Fish,
Did you know that "Gore endorses Dean" was referring to Howard Dean and not Jimmy Dean??? I guess I was confused on the issue, and boy did I make an ass out of myself at work today.

-Ben @ Bloomberg

Dear Ben,
On the other hand, both Jimmy and Howard have an approximately equal chance of taking the presidency next year, so really, was your mistake so important?
-ATF

14 Dec 2003

Dear Ask the Fish,
i realy like a girl but she likes somboady else, but the guy she likes doesnt like her. What should i do?
-markis

Dear markis,
Hint: Whatever you do, newspaper articles written about it should end with the phrase "before turning the gun on himself."
-ATF

14 Dec 2003

Dear Ask the Fish,
I would like to conquer and subjugate all the free peoples of the world. Any suggestions?
-Zod

Dear Zod,
Why do you ask this of me when you know I will kill you for it?

That being said, poofy black jumpsuits are usually a step in the right direction. Also, you may want to consider eventually starring in Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.
-ATF

14 Dec 2003

Dear Ask the Fish,
I love my boyfriend, but I met one of his friends last night, and I kinda have a crush on him. Plus I had a dream about him last night. Should I tell my boyfriend the truth? It would break his heart... :-(
-Love Struck

Dear Love,
Personally, I think you're boyfriend is kind of a jerk. So yeah, you should tell him and break his heart.

By the way, this is exactly the reason I keep all of my girlfriends locked in the basement, with nothing but fresh water and bloodworms. Some call it cruel, some call it unusual, but I'm just watching out for what's mine.
-ATF

14 Dec 2003

Dear Ask the Fish,
How cold does an object have to be before water starts to condense on it? Like if I had a glass of water,(yeah, I can get one) at what temperature would little water beads start to show up on its sides? I'm pretty sure it depends on the ambient air temperature, and its %humidity(and maybe other stuff like air pressure.) Is there some equasion or a look up table I can use? And is there some stuff I can spray on it to keep condensation from forming?
-wanna be cool, but dry

Dear wanna,
You've pretty much got it all except the answer. The missing piece is the concept of dew point, which is definied as the temperature to which the environment would have to cool (assuming barometric pressure and humidity were to remain constant) in order to reach saturation (the point where the air is holding the maximum amount of water vapour). Condensation only occurs when a volume of air reaches saturation. And yes, the dew point can be calculated through a fairly confusing set of equations Unless you are a meteorolgist or taking 8th grade Earth Science, you probably aren't interested.
-ATF

14 Dec 2003

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