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Ask The Fish - 07/6/2004
In an attempt to increase the frequency of updates to the site, we are adding yet another freaking blog. I don't know why we think this will increase the frequency of updates to site - we have at least three of the things anyway, and they are updated just about as often as Boston wins the World Series. But we try. Ask The Fish will now be done blog style, with new entries getting posted as soon as they are answered. Expect the same quality of advice that you have come to expect (from what is either a 800 lb halibut with a highly defined sense of irony, or one of four uber-geeks with nothing better to do on a Saturday night).

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    Dear Ask the Fish,
    Hey, I just noticed that thing about the elgooG OPI. How did it get there? In all the time I've ever visited the site, nothing new has ever appeared before. Was this some kind of mistake?
    -Suprised in Scarsdale

    Dear Suprised,
    Wiseacre.
    -ATF

    04 Jul 2004



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    Dear Hott Fishie,
    Do you want to go to the prom with me I don't have a date yet and you are smokin`.
    -In Need Of Date For Prom

    Dear In,
    Don't be so impressed. It's just a bubble pipe. I'm flattered that you asked, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to decline. It's not that I don't think you're attractive, it's just that I've got plans that night.

    What night did you say that was?
    -ATF

    04 Jul 2004



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    Q: What kind of fish do road-menders use?
    A: Pneumatic krill

    (insert drumroll here)

    :)
    -Jon

    Dear Jon,
    Actually, krill is a shrimp-like invertabrate (and you should probably go with me on oceanic species). So really the joke is on you.
    -ATF

    04 Jul 2004



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    Does putting lemon juice in your hair and sitting out in the sun really make your hair turn blond? How about beer?
    -Sammy

    Dear Sammy,
    Lemon juice is, in fact, commonly used as a hair lightener. Which at first gloss makes one think that lemon juice actually lightens ones hair, but honestly I don't think that just because everyone is doing it makes it right. I mean, a lot of people go ahead and drink milk because they think it's good for their teeth (suckers!), but clearly they know nothing of dental hygiene. So why should you listen to them about the lemon juice thing? My suggestion is to go spend a whole lot of money at a hair salon and have them dye it for you. What do you, live in the 16th century? Probably want a midwife for your birthin', too.

    As far as the beer thing is concerned - beer is even worse for a hair dye than is lemon juice (which, contrary to my above suggestions that you are a chemical luddite, actually does work fairly well for hair dye). While this somewhat contradicts my believe that beer is good for everything (refreshing beverage, party favors, valentine's day gift), it's partially redeemed by the fact that beer is widely considered a very good hair wash. Seriously. Not only does it leave your hair full and bouncy, but do you have any turned on a guy gets when their girl smells like beer? It has a similar effect on men as rubbing dollar bills over all a guys body has on women. We've all got those subliminally triggered erogenous zones, you know. For me, it's bloodworms.
    -ATF

    04 Jul 2004



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    the other day i read on a snapple lid that no matter what the size, it is impossible to fold a piece of pape in half more than 7 times... is this true...and if so, why can't you?
    -papercut

    Dear papercut,
    That was your Snapple lid, not mine. *I* can totally do it.
    -ATF

    04 Jul 2004



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    In the game 'Fallout' by Interplay (for the PC), is there any special bonus for killing absolutely everything?
    -Ziggurat

    Dear Ziggurat,
    Yes. And I encourage you to spend the next 5 days killing everything in the game. If nothing special happens, then you probably missed some in the secret area on level 4.

    You should totally go with me on video game information, by the way.I used to be good friends with the Cheep-Cheeps in Super Mario Brothers. They were always pissed off because people thought they were actually frugal. But I tell you, they could live large like the best of them. Super Mario Brothers, of course, is where the term Bling-Bling originates. Y'know, when you're under one of those blocks and you jump repeatedly to get coins and it goes Bling-Bling-Bling-Bling...
    -ATF

    04 Jul 2004



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    hoo do u tink wud win in a fight, moby or a 12 yr old grl w. agoraphobia?

    plz hlep me im so confsed
    -VERY Confused!!!!!!!11

    Dear VERY,
    Finally! A question into which I can really sink my fins. Oddly enough, I've haven't really put all that much thought about this (always just assuming that the 12 year old would win hands down). But Moby attended the Coney Island Mermaid Parade the other day, and from all accounts he was looking at least as strapping as a young lady. So maybe I should reevaluate my stand.

    Moby Tween Advantage
    Weight Advantage 97 lbs 97 lbs Tie
    Likelihood of bodyguard High Low Moby
    Strongest defense mechanism Crying like a little girl Crying as a little girl 12-year old (by a hair)
    Most powerful offensive tactic Wimpy emotional pleas High-pitched scream followed by swift kick to groin 12-year old
    Crushing fear of outdoors None (assuming he's put SPF 45 on his shiny noggin) Crushing to the point of incoherence Moby


    I think, ultimately, it will be close, but the little girl will win if it's indoors. Outside, it'll be close, but Moby will probably pull out a squeaker, since the little girl will most likely be curled into a ball crying, during which time Moby will be able to give an empassioned plea on animal rights, or some such crap.
    -ATF
    04 Jul 2004



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    why are my balls huge an my dick small?
    -LT Bomba

    Dear LT,
    You think you got a problem? Have you ever seen a box of moth balls? The heaviest moths in the world weight about 30g, and those things are huge! I understand to get them that size, they have to have a couple of army ants hold the moth down, and kick 'em between the legs. They swell up, get clipped, and are dipped in camphor to make them easy to find for the blind. Why do you think they word so well? Sure as shit if I walked into a restaurant and I saw a bunch of fish genetailia strewn about the floor, no way in hell I'd eat there [ed - what does fish genetailia look like?] Honestly, I have no idea.
    -ATF

    04 Jul 2004



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    ok so here it is..
    My friend Frankie (girl)'s neighbor, tyler, likes me. no offence or ne thing but JESUS HES SOOO UGLY! n like i reall realli dont want to hurt his feelings but i DONT like him. ive already tried to get him not to like me.
    my first attemped was just to ignore him
    IT DIDNT WORK
    the second thing i tried was getting my friend to tell him im lesbian.
    at first he didnt believe him. but then he talked to me and i was like ya i am!!!! and so im not sure he believes me or not. but he still acts like he likes me. and according to frankie, he does.
    I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE!!!
    HELP ME!

    -helpless with love

    Dear helpless,
    As an ugly guy, I have to object to just about everything you've done so far in dealing with this unattractive fellow with a crush on you. He's a human being (I'm making an assumption here, but I think it's a valid one) worthy of your respect and honesty. Ugly or not, he's a person (my comments in the past about things like this notwithstanding), and you should really deal with him like an equal. You never know, he might end up on The Swan soon, and then who'll be laughing?

    Also, the telling him you're a lesbian thing was definitely the wrong thing to do. First of all (my comments in the past notwithstanding) lesbians are human beings, worthy of your respect and should be treated as equals. Using their sexual proclivities to further your own sexual agenda (even if that agenda is to not have sex) is just plain disrespectful. Also, those chicks are pretty butch, and if they find out about it they might kick your ass.

    My suggestion is to just have a talk with the guy. Tell him the truth about your feelings (NOT about his trainwreck of a face, however. Have a heart). A frank discussion about how he's a nice fellow, but you're just not interested, while it will hurt a little at the time, is better for everyone in the long run. At the end of the conversation, make sure to kick him in the camphor to punctuate how serious you are.
    -ATF

    06 Jul 2004



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    dear ask the fish,
    my fish just died!i want to know what was rong with it because it could not swim propely and when it did try to swim it would go upside down or on its side what was rong with it?
    -duck

    Dear duck,
    First of all - what is a duck doing keeping a fish? Ducks eat fish. Except vegetarian ducks, which have to eat soy fish (seitan salmon, which oddly enough I've had, is bad enough to make a fish want to chew it's own fins off). You don't see humans keeping cows in their bedroom as pets, fish keeping jars of bloodworms, or bears keeping bags of trash, do you?

    In any case, back to your fish. Well, it could have been a lot of things. Perhaps your fish had an inner ear disorder (not incredibly likely, as fish don't have ears, we have air sacs. But a fairly common piscine balance problem is airsacitis, causing a smelly airsack and inverted swimming). Another possibility is that fish, just like humans, can. . . how do I say this politely. . . be born "a little off". I personally believe the entire species Northern Pike has some serious developmental problems. Or, perhaps there was nothing wrong with your fish and it was just screwing with you.
    -ATF

    06 Jul 2004



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    My boyfriend of 2 weeks asked me 2 come over 2 his house tonight. There wont b any parents there. Should i go?
    -Maddie

    Dear Maddie,
    Woof - I should definitely start keeping up with these questions, as this is almost defintely moot (an interesting aside about the word moot: did you know that American English and British English not only have different meanings for the word moot, but that they are completely opposite? This resulted in an entertaining conversation with a Brit the other day. Entertaining to me because I figured it out after the fact. Not so entertaining to him, since he thinks I believe that he's an idiot).

    Anyway - should you go over to this guy's house? Depends on a number of different factors. How old are you? How much do you like this guy? Do you have clearly defined boundaries in your head, and do you feel that he'll respect them? And most of all, is the guy me? Because if so, the answer to the other questions are moot, and you should totally come over.
    -ATF

    06 Jul 2004



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    When is the most healthy time to poo? A friend told me its in the morning. But i'm more of a midday person. Please enlighten me on this.
    -Simple Ton

    Dear Simple,
    First of all, I want to aplogize to our more sensitive readers about the nature of this question and answer. However, this is an important topic, and like the book says - everyone poos. So get over it. While I'm apologizing, I also might as well do so to our more discerning readers, to whom I'd like to profer my sincerest regrets for the quality of this response, which is probably going to be pretty crappy.

    Well, the timing of your daily poo (and good on you for making it daily! I know a lot of people and fish who feel as if the daily movement is a Holy Grail which only the purest of heart [and fullest of fiber] can grasp) doesn't have all that much to do with how healthy you are (there's a dependant / independant variable problem in that last sentance, but you get the point). It does, however, have an effect on some other things. For instance, I like to take care of business before I hit the shower in the morning, thereby giving the ole undercarriage a good simonizing before heading out into the world. There's also something to be said for dealing with that sort of thing well before lunch, so you can forget about it by the time you have to eat a sandwich. I suppose you could wait until after lunch, but personally I can't wait that long. Also, if you're like me, you want to get a chapter or two of reading in before you hit the office, and where else can you really get any peace and quiet these days? So I come out pretty stongly for early morning, although that's just a personal perference (backed, you'll note, with some hygenic and time-budgeting arguments).
    -ATF

    06 Jul 2004



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    are there any chat up lines that arn't sleezy and cheap but generally good?
    -Anonymous in Antarctica

    Dear Anonymous,
    I like "Nice scales - wanna spawn?"
    -ATF

    04 Jul 2004



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    ive found a really unique gift for my girlfriend, to name a star after her. it just think that to use her name would be boring; got any ideas?
    -star

    Dear star,
    Yeah - you should totally use my girlfriends name! That way, each of us can tell our girlfriends that we named a star after them! This is the best idea ever. You should also give her a diamond tennis bracelet, but tell her that you are leaving it with the ATF crew for safe-keeping.
    -ATF

    04 Jul 2004



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    Hw do you know if your best guy friend is gay or straight?
    -Britt

    Dear Britt,
    Well, seeing as how he's your best male friend and all, you could just come out (no pun intended) and ask him. You know, communication and all. Learned that from one of my girlfriends. Not soon enough, unfortunately. Well, fortunately. But this isn't about me. Although I could forsee a problem. I mean, it's been this long, and you haven't figured it out yet. So all this time has passed and what are you gonna do now? Admit that you haven't gotten that part puzzled out? It's kind of like being in an "It's Pat!" in that long stretch when Saturday Night Live sucked. In that case, I would suggest some convoluted schemes, like hiring two beautiful actors, one male one female, to hit on him on successful nights. Check to see to whom he responds positively.
    -ATF

    04 Jul 2004



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