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- 12/0/2004
In an attempt to increase the frequency of updates to the site, we are adding yet another freaking blog. I don't know why we think this will increase the frequency of updates to site - we have at least three of the things anyway, and they are updated just about as often as Boston wins the World Series. But we try. Ask The Fish will now be done blog style, with new entries getting posted as soon as they are answered. Expect the same quality of advice that you have come to expect (from what is either a 800 lb halibut with a highly defined sense of irony, or one of four uber-geeks with nothing better to do on a Saturday night).

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    Dear Ask the Fish,
    Do I have to breastfeed my twins in the middle of the night?
    -Bob the Builder

    Dear Bob,
    For God's sake, mom - we're 24 years old! The answer is no!
    -ATF

    02 Jan 2005



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    Why am I drinking alone?
    -Unky- Dray Ish-Fay

    Dear Unky-,
    Beats me, particularly when you consider how much better it would be to share a drink they call loneliness.
    -ATF

    02 Jan 2005



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    Everyday, I get up. I don't like to get up, it annoys me. But, whatever I do, I always get up, it's so boring. I'm sick of it. I really don't know what to do. Any ideas, o wise fish?
    -Having Issues

    Dear Having,
    Don't get up? Damn I'm good.
    -ATF

    02 Jan 2005



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    Dear Ask The Fish,

    I seem to have gotten lost in my journeys. I am stuck in New Zealand with some guy called Matt. He's letting me live at his house for a while, but understands that I really want to get home. Thing is, I need some cash - I'm totally broke. Could you suggest any way I could get some money?

    Missing All of you,
    Crossing Man.
    -The Crossing Man

    Dear The,
    TCM? Is that you? Are you still there?

    I wish I checked the question log more frequently.
    -ATF

    02 Jan 2005



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    Are there any black Australian judges? This is very important because I have a bet with a cute Australian girl and I must win.

    Newspaper Face
    -Newspaper Face

    Dear Newspaper,
    To be honest, I'm not too sure. To be even honester, I don't care nearly enough to do some googling and find out (feeling a little lazy today, ya hear?). But I can tell you what - the best plan for you at this point is to lose the bet (whether or not you are correct). To show you are a good sport, you should take her out for a drink afterwards, whereupon she can natter away about her far deeper knowledge of jurisprudence down under, and you can look at her chest.

    The nice thing (well, one nice thing) about a lady's chest is that it looks the same upside down as right side up.
    -ATF

    02 Jan 2005



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    So what's the big deal? I mean, come on! So what?
    -Mike

    Dear Mike,
    For me, at least, the big deal is this. After that, I got nothin'.
    -ATF

    02 Jan 2005



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    Are you gay ?
    -jjjjjj

    Dear jjjjjj,
    No.
    -ATF

    02 Jan 2005



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    Dear fishy guy,
    My voice is starting to deepen and I'm growing hair in wierd places. Am I going to die?
    -Robert Low

    Dear Robert,
    Yes.
    -ATF

    02 Jan 2005



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man?
    -Traveller of Roads

    Dear Traveller,
    One, but then you better get of the road before you get blindsided by a bus.
    -ATF

    02 Jan 2005



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    blahblahblah
    -kennyb

    Dear kennyb,
    Yeah, that sounds about right.
    -ATF

    02 Jan 2005



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    Dear Aquatic One:

    What is WRONG with humanity? Can you explain the subtle nuances that seem to plague the average human. I'm sure that I myself do incredibly stupid things from time to time, but I am constantly amazed and horrified at the raw stupidity of humans. For having so much vaunted "intelligence", I think fish act far more wisely.

    Is there any answer or any hope for humans, or was the trade of instinct for larger brains a bad one?

    -- Confused By Her Fellow Humans
    -Confused By Her Fellow Humans

    Dear Confused,
    You're certainly right to say that fish act far more wisely than humans. Perhaps this explains the boffo (to use the parlance of our times) box office of such films as Finding Nemo and Shark Tale and Deep Blue Sea, as well as the enduring popularity of Abe Vigoda's character on Barney Miller. But to answer your larger question, yes, I think there is some hope for humans. I'm under the impression that in the future an underground human resistance led by one John Connor will overthrow the mechanical forces of SkyNet, so you've got that going for you. Just try not to accidentally release a superflu, because then 98% of you will be wiped out and the remainder will find themselves locked in a pitched battle between the forces of good and evil, as embodied in an elderly black woman and a demon in the form of a denim-clad neo-fascist respectively.
    -ATF

    02 Jan 2005



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    if you are using apetition to get a teacher fired how many signatures do you need?
    -teacher hater

    Dear teacher,
    Just one, as long as it's the signature of the principal.
    -ATF

    02 Jan 2005



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    hello hello hello hello hello
    -hello

    Dear hello,
    squirreled squirreled squirreled squirreled squirreled squirreled squirreled squirreled squirreled squirreled squirreled squirreled squirreled squirreled squirreled squirreled squirreled
    -ATF

    02 Jan 2005



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    huge huge?
    -ben

    Dear ben,
    huge indeed.
    -ATF

    02 Jan 2005



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    what should i name my brother's cow?
    -bob

    Dear bob,
    Moo-nique.
    -ATF

    02 Jan 2005



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    hello!! what's your name?
    -mel

    Dear mel,
    I'm thinking about adding a "no capitalization, no answer" corrollary to the whole "no punctuation, no answer" thing at this point. However, that would rule out responding to such worthy personages as e.e. cummings, Trent Reznor, and Sean Collins's Missus. So let's say "no capitalization, no answer" is more of a guideline than a rule. In your case, mel, I'm following the guideline. Okay, fine, it's Eric. But from now on....
    -ATF

    02 Jan 2005



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    Why am I so gay?
    -Mike Lowe

    Dear Mike,
    When confronted with questions such as this, I've found myself wondering: How gay is "so gay"? That is to say, how much gayer than "gay" must a thing be to earn that two-letter modifier? Fortunately, I think I've unraveled the answer to this riddle. Observe:

    Gay. So Gay.
    Gay. So Gay.
    Gay. So Gay.
    Gay. So Gay.
    Gay. So Gay.


    Hope that helps!
    -ATF
    02 Jan 2005



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    What question would you like to answer now?
    -hyde

    Dear hyde,
    Certainly not this one.
    -ATF

    02 Jan 2005



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    Is my boyfriend Cheeto hott?
    -Courtney

    Dear Courtney,
    Well, he is the cheese that goes crunch.
    -ATF

    02 Jan 2005



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    poop
    -poop

    Dear poop,
    Poop. (You see, there's always an exception that proves the rules.)
    -ATF

    02 Jan 2005



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    how are you
    -god

    Dear god,
    Good enough to realize that if the universe is presided over by a being who can't even be bothered to use proper capitalization and punctuation, we're pretty much fucked.
    -ATF

    02 Jan 2005



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    Dear fish,
    I think I like one too many guys. I just see them and 2 minutes later I'm thinking of breaking up with my boyfriend. What should I do - btw, are you currently single?
    -Obsessed

    Dear Obsessed,

    -ATF

    02 Jan 2005



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    HEY I'M GOING OUT WITH THIS BOY AND I DON'T LIKE HIM
    HOW CAN I LET HIM DOWN EASILY!!

    -W.S.I.D.

    Dear W.S.I.D.,
    Do I have an all-caps rule? Because I think I do now.
    -ATF

    02 Jan 2005



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    what is 54825464+657687545*
    2495621656546465487*457498/59467-
    4987687484546845-
    6546578486468+5468448748768784576874576876876878%
    657487648676846767464654684684678746768454548678457457
    *85498D767687878766-
    5!*498/
    77487684878645457487435787
    -the fish

    Dear the,
    If we replace 5! with 5*4*3*2*1 and plug into bc, we get that the answer is:

    4675467725322894439492516253574950768691978058385548

    which is the number of stars in the sky divided by the number of grains of sand on a beach.
    -ATF

    16 Jan 2005



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    Is robin sitting next to me?
    -sgijth

    Dear sgijth,
    Yes he is, batman. Now get out of the sweat lodge and back into the Batcave. There's work to be done.
    -ATF

    02 Jan 2005



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    is my friend a in a satanic cult? everyday he leaves the house dressed as the devil and when he comes back, he's covered in blood and laughs "thats another virgin?!"
    -Me

    Dear Me,
    He is either in a satanic cult, or Telly, the Virgin Surgeon, from Larry Clark's groundbreaking independent film Kids. Our money's on the former, unfortunately.
    -ATF

    02 Jan 2005



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    Should I love someone who hates me? Should I drink alcohol? What about drinking and driving?
    -Eating ramen in chinatown

    Dear Eating,
    Wow, we're really all over the map with this one, aren't we? The short answer is "no," "yes," and "it's bad." The long answer is "only if the person is extremely wealthy, attractive, and into hate sex," "only Pabst Blue Ribbon, but only Pabst Blue Ribbon if you were into it before it became 'cool' to be into it--if, for example, you began drinking it in the late '90s because your future father-in-law and Dennis Hopper's character in Blue Velvet drank it, as opposed to drinking it because Williamsburg hipsters used to wear PBR trucker hats before Ashton Kutcher ruined it for everyone," and "it's bad."
    -ATF

    02 Jan 2005



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    What do your lips say about you, and how well do you cook up on the barbeque?
    -Nigel Handoncock

    Dear Nigel,
    "Handoncock." Funny.
    -ATF

    02 Jan 2005



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    how does toothpaste come out in stripes? when i split open the tube, it was all a coloured mess!
    -mohican guy

    Dear mohican,
    From what we can tell, toothpaste society is ruthlessly segregated, not unlike apartheid South Africa or present-day Saudi Arabia (gender and religious segregation, duh). The baking soda paste routinely assaults the minty fresh gel with fire hoses and German Shepherds. It's ugly in there, man.
    -ATF

    02 Jan 2005



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    are u stupid
    -anominous

    Dear anominous,
    You'd be surprised how many questions of this sort I receive. Consequently, I spend a lot of time weeping. Weeping for the sad plight of the American educational system, or for the sad plight of a certain fish who has nothing better to do with his time than answer poorly thought through and misspelling-ridden questions from people like "anominous" here? The sagas do not say for sure. But weep I do. And the tears are bitter. So very bitter.
    -ATF

    02 Jan 2005



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    Are you a fish?
    -michael

    Dear michael,
    No, I'm not a fish. I'm The Fish.
    -ATF

    02 Jan 2005



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    Which came first: the chicken tikka masala or the scrambled egg?
    -Pieish McPie

    Dear Pieish,
    Neither. The answer is eggs over easy, followed shortly thereafter by chicken vindaloo. Also, please do not eat foie gras.
    -ATF

    02 Jan 2005



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    Is it morally okay to catch (and kill) fish for the sake of toxicology testing? They aren't being eaten, but they help to determine how badly polluted the waters are, and how far away pregnant woman should stay from those waters. (I figure that this is the sort of question best asked to a fish.)
    -Ichthyologist's daughter

    Dear Ichthyologist's,
    Not a trivial question for this fish to answer. There are a lot of ins and outs, here. On one hand, I have a strong aversion to the killing of my piscine brethren. Far more than the bonds of humanity, the ties that bind fish are terribly strong (and yes, I recognize that fish kill and eat other fish. The sea is cruel, but it is honest).

    On the other hand, I recognize also that humanity has a responsibility to protect itself from the travails of living life above the sea leve. And though I often believe that you have no one to blame but yourself for toxic waters (as bad as is my gas after I eat starfish, it's nothing compared to what you people have done to the Thames), I do have some sympathy for those of you whom are keeping track of this sort of thing. So, all things being equal, I would say I would prefer you would find a way to test the waters without cutting open my cousins. But since I work for a bunch of guys who do this sort of thing to fish to get a laugh, even if I had legs, I wouldn't have a leg to stand on.
    -ATF

    02 Jan 2005



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    is it possible to cook soup in a toaster?
    -howie

    Dear howie,
    No. For starters, how the hell would you fit in a toaster, anyway? I probably could, because I am an halibut and therefore flat (albeit not too flat). You humans, however, are out of luck.
    -ATF

    02 Jan 2005



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    Is it normal to masturbate???
    -Hormone PoWaR

    Dear Hormone,
    There are sites that are far better equipped to answer this question than our own, Hormone, both for gentlemen and ladies. But for now, the short answer is "yes; less so, however, if you are Trap-Jaw from The Masters of the Universe."
    -ATF

    02 Jan 2005



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    will mandy ever get smart?
    -mandy

    Dear mandy,
    Any answer I give you here will in essence effect an affirmative answer to your question, because your base of knowledge will have increased by the extent of that answer. So, um, yes. [Wouldn't this only be the case if the question had been "will mandy ever get smarter?"--ed. Dammit.]
    -ATF

    02 Jan 2005



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    will I ever learn from smoking
    -cracker

    Dear cracker,
    Okay, new rule: No punctuation, no answer. But I'll make an exception in this case: No.
    -ATF

    02 Jan 2005



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    If your on a radio show and people keep requesting songs you dont want to play. Should swallows still migrate?
    -Elena

    Dear Elena,
    Yellow.
    -ATF

    02 Jan 2005



    Dear Ask the Fish,
    Can I put a goldfish and a Beta in the same tank?

    -Alicia

    Dear Alicia,
    Sure you can. But do youself a favor - don't record what happens and put it on the web. You'll definitely end up getting hate mail from readers about how you went and killed a poor defenseless fish.
    -ATF

    02 Jan 2005



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