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Ask The Fish - 05/4/2005
In an attempt to increase the frequency of updates to the site, we are adding yet another freaking blog. I don't know why we think this will increase the frequency of updates to site - we have at least three of the things anyway, and they are updated just about as often as Boston wins the World Series. But we try. Ask The Fish will now be done blog style, with new entries getting posted as soon as they are answered. Expect the same quality of advice that you have come to expect (from what is either a 800 lb halibut with a highly defined sense of irony, or one of four uber-geeks with nothing better to do on a Saturday night).

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    Dear Ask the Fish,

    I have a Comet and Ryukin. I am concerned about how much to feed. They get 2 or 3 pinches at morn and night. Hever, they seem verry active when the tank light is on and they constantly seem to be lookingfor more food. If i touch the cover they come to the surace and look like the want food. I am worried about polluting the tank. Will they stop looking so eager to eat when they are sated or will they just contine to eat. I am worried about not feeding enough and havig polluted water for them.
    -Fretting over Flake Food

    Dear Fretting,
    You know, with the sheer volume of questions we get that ask about care and feeding instructions for tropical fish, you'd think we'd take a few minutes and do some research. ATF could quickly become the funniest and most popular repository for pet fish care on the web.

    Not really a goal we're interested in. Don't let that be a bar to your sending in the questions, though. One day we might just get that bored. You never know.

    23 Jun 2005

    Dear Ask the Fish,
    O.K...I was wondering, if one were to dissolve a listerine mint in their butt and then fart, would their farts smell minty?
    -Sir Mint

    Dear Sir,
    I think more mediciney than minty.

    15 Oct 2005

    Dear Ask the Fish,
    Why do you never answer my questions? I mean, I know you're a busy fish, but come on Eric! Some of us rely on your advice!

    Dear Lazlow,
    First of all, I think you're wrong. I remember you from such questions as "Do you make a lot of money from this site?" last year in September. Second of all, what in G-d's name are you doing relying on our advice? Did you read the question where I told someone that being a Helper Monkey was a great plan for the future? That's the sort of advice you get around here.

    10 Oct 2005

    Dear Ask the Fish,
    Are you stupid? I'm not trying to offend you, I'm just really curious.
    -Wondering if you're stupid

    Dear Wondering,
    Yes, I'm stupid. Stupid FRESH!!!!!!!!1!!1!!!!!

    01 Oct 2005

    Dear Ask the Fish,
    I dont get it
    -dupo gofty

    Dear dupo,
    What it does is take the place of the letters you're skipping. So you take "do" and "not," move them together, take away the "o" between the "n" and the "t," put the apostrophe in its place, and you get "don't"! Do you get it now?

    15 Oct 2005

    Dear Ask the Fish,
    I am a junior in high school, and I was just sitting at a computer looking at this site when I should be doing homework, when all of a sudden, I just started thinking......
    What is the point to life, is there any reason to my being here?
    and what is the best way to waiste my time?


    Dear Goober,
    Nothing, no, you've answered your own question, you're welcome.

    28 Aug 2005

    Dear Ask the Fish,
    Are you really a fish, or would you like to go on a date with a really fit 21 year old?
    -Gia The Rear

    Dear Gia,
    Are the two mutually exclusive? Let me tell you something, Gia - once you go flat, you never go back. I'll wine you (I know more about fine wine than your average hipster viewer of Sideways, certainly), I'll dine you (errrr... no seafood though), I'll enchant you (I'm a good listener, empathetic, and great at answering questions [I've got the archives to prove it!]). I'll play it straight, though - it can be touch finding a place that will seat the two of us. No matter how fit you are, it is difficult to find a romantic restaurant that will sit a 500 gallon fishbowl.

    Of course, if you're not yet ready for the life-changing experience that is falling in love with a halibut, you may as well give kennyb a mail. Poor thing can use all the help he can get.

    23 May 2005

    Dear Ask the Fish,
    I'm Chinese. How can I alleviate this problem?

    Dear Wade,
    Hoo boy, this one's a toughie. Well, Chinese culture slowly became Japanese culture through a centuries-long process of selective importation and conquest-driven cross-pollination, but I'm not sure how that would work on an individual basis.

    But hey, while I have you, here's a question: After people have sex with you, are they horny again an hour later?

    (Hey, whatcha lookin' at me for? Wade went there first!)

    15 May 2005

    Dear Ask the Fish,
    how do you tell if its a boy or a girl with fish?
    -Samuel David Phillips

    Dear Samuel,
    This is a strange question. Like, does the girl have fish stuck in her jeans like a softy or something? Doesn't she realize that the usual object for a task like getting a bulge is a pair of socks? Man, it's like I'm the only one who saw "Just One Of The Guys." Anyway, I figure the best way to determine to tell if it's a boy or a girl with fish is just to wait around for a while. After a couple of hours, assuming it's not noticeably cold out or something, you should be able to sniff out the answer to your question. Although don't actually go too far when sniffing for the fish, since that's going to be embarassing regardless of the sex of the snifee.

    13 Nov 2005

    Dear Ask the Fish,
    I found what looks like frog eggs covered with a white slime all over the bottom of my beta tank.What could it be?

    Dear Linda,
    Again with the fish questions. I don't know - you got a frog in there?

    05 Aug 2005

    Dear Ask the Fish,
    How is my week gonna be?

    Dear angela,
    If my week was any indication of yours, angela, it's not going to be a good one. Let's break it down:

    First off, those bastards I work for screwed me on my paycheck again this week. Usually the checks just bounce, but this time I didn't even bother trying to cash it since it was written in crayon on the back of a Friendly's placemat. They didn't even leave the crossword puzzle for me (and Ton - a five letter word for 'Very big' can be a lot of things, but it's DEFINITELY not going to be 'H-U-G-E-!' you idiot).

    Secondly, my girlfriend left me. This wasn't such a big deal, since I was thinking we should break it off soon anyway, but I really wanted to do it in person so we could get in a little of that breakup sex (you know: 'Is it worth it, let me work it, I put my fish down flip it and reverse it' style. Awwwww, yeah). But no, she gave me a call and was all 'Why don't you ever update anymore?' and I was all 'I'm working on a bunch of projects right now, and don't have time for the site!' and she was all 'blahblahblah,' or 'you never listen' or something. Whatever, like I said, it wasn't a big deal. But still.

    Lastly, my family came to visit. Which is stressful during the best of times, but with those three jackasses not having paid me in anything other than napkins and placemats and Susan leaving me (I was going to introduce you, just like you've been asking, but forget it now), it was a bad scene. My mother kept on me with the 'When are you going to leave the city and come back to the murky deep?' and my dad just looked at the state of my tank and bubbled disapprovingly. My sister just came out of the closet, though, which took some of the pressure off me.

    What, pissed this wasn't funny? Bite me, I got problems too, and there isn't any fish I can ask questions to that responds.

    23 Jun 2005

    Dear Ask the Fish,
    What is some australian fashion?


    Dear Ethan,
    If I've learned anything from watching countless hours of Monty Python's Flying Circus, it's that haute couture of Australian fashion is a pair of cargo shorts, a fishmermans vest with olive drab t-shirt underneath, and a wide brimmed hat with corks hanging off of it, all the way 'round. That's for Bruces, of course. Your Shelia is going to want to wear either a Santa suit with angel wings and the fabric over the breasts cut out, or just a helmet, some elbow and kneepads, and roller skates.

    07 Aug 2005

    Dear Ask the Fish,
    Why does everyone hate emo kids? Is it a cultural thing, or just inside the minds of the emo kids? If you don't know what emo is, find out for yourself. I'll tell you that it's a style of music, but that's all.
    -Your Mom

    Dear Your,
    There have always been tensions between emo kids and the outside world, dating back to the enslavement of the Ebrews by the Num Et-Al dynasty. Anti-emotism as we know it today can trace its origins back over many centuries to the time of the early Christians, who blamed emo kids for making Jesus weep outside Jerusalem by playing him a Dashboard Confessional bootleg. The Middle Ages saw the onset of the Inquisition, during which emo kids were forced under pain of torture and execution to renounce the wearing of black hooded sweatshirts and other traditional garb. By the 19th century, widespread anti-emo pogroms throughout Central and Eastern Europe and Russia drove emo kids to seek refuge in the New World; many undertook the perilous journey across the Atlantic with little more than a journal and a copy of Pinkerton that "she" gave them. Anti-emotism currently manifests itself under several sly guises, most notably the social acceptability of the sentiment that Conor Oberst needs his ass kicked. So why does everyone hate emo kids? Some scholars attribute it to a fear of the Other. Others suggest that specific religious and political doctrines seize upon anti-emotism to further their own specific agendas. But mostly it's because emo kids write into advice columns and ask questions like "why does everyone hate emo kids?" Ask a question like that, and you've pretty much already answered it, you skinny t-shirt-wearing nancy.

    01 Oct 2005

    Dear Ask the Fish,
    fuck you

    Dear dudehead,
    No, sir. Fuck you. Fuck you right in your dudehead.

    13 Nov 2005

    Dear Ask the Fish,
    do you know how to write web pages?

    Dear nerdkiller,
    I leave that to those slave drivers I work for. Those bastards are like Wal-Mart with the pay scale, but at least they permit me to isolate myself from these devil machines as much as possible. Of course to be quite frank, looking around the site, it doesn't look as if they know what the Hell they're doing either. But I'm not one to judge.

    13 Nov 2005

    Dear Ask the Fish,
    how many people are there working this site? And about how old are you all? Are you all freinds? I think it would be really cool to do a website with friends. DOes it cost a lot of money to keep it going? Is there some way i can donate money to your website? and do you raise money for the tsunami efforts? i really think you should since a lot of people probably go onto this site. THank you very much for your time, happy swimmings!
    buh byez!

    Dear Kelsi,
    Woof, that's a lot of questions and pretty wide ranging. And none of them are looking for advice, so I'm not really sure that they should be answered here. But since I'm feeling particularly indulgent today, I'll go ahead and answer all of them:

    There are three people who founded Alltooflat: Ben, Ton, and Kennyb. There is a fourth who is a frequent contributor, Sean (to say nothing of me [which they frequently don't], my name is Eric. That's my picture in the upper right of this page). As of 2005, the boys are all 26, give or take a year. They are all friends - the founders met each other in college, and Ken and Sean were friends from high school.

    It is, in fact, really cool to do a website with friends. From what I understand, the best part is doing your best to make your buddies laugh, and to hell with anyone else who comes to the webpage. It costs a fair amount of money to keep the site up. Ads help a little (please click through!), and you can donate to ATF from the paypal link at the bottom of every page. We really appreciate that sort of thing. A lot. We don't raise any money for tsunami relief, but that's because we want this website to be an escape from the world. Nothing bad happens here, no sirree. La la la.

    Thanks for the questions, Kelsi, and happy swimming to you as well.

    28 Aug 2005

    Dear Ask the Fish,
    will i sleep with a girl at the age of 16

    Dear jak,
    It's certainly not outside the realm of possibility, but since you yourself are now, what, 38?, it is outside the realm of advisability, and legality.

    30 Sep 2005

    Dear Ask the Fish,
    dear dear
    -i love my balls

    Dear i,

    23 May 2005

    Dear Ask the Fish,
    Okay. I like this guy. He likes me. I told my friends I like him. They told his friends I like him. He told his friends to tell my friends to tell me that if I asked him out, he'd say yes. So, I told my friends to tell his friends to ask him out 4 me. They did. He said yes. We had never talked 2 each other, and after we had been going out, we didnt talk 2 eachother, either. So I got bored and broke up w/ him. Whats the point in goin out w/ sumone if u dont talk 2 him, right? N/E ways, now I want 2 get 2 know him and become his friend first b/4 i ask him out again but how do i start a conversation with the x ive never spoken 2?
    -Anonymous in Antarctica

    Dear Anonymous,
    I don't really have anything to say about your problem in and of itself, but I like how your question started in standard English, then slowly morphed into Prince lyrics before ending up as a mathematical equation.

    15 Oct 2005

    Dear Ask the Fish,
    why are u such a ugly fish ? i wudve thought that if u made a site with the main character being a fish, it wud at least be a nice 1.

    Dear chrissy,
    I just wanted you to know that the Google Adwords that came up in my email client for this letter were for products that help one get over a broken heart. I'm just as Cod made me, chrissy.

    13 Nov 2005

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