Cheese Bible
 
 
100 Haikus
A while back, Cockeyed.com had a "Reader Appreciation Week" during which all emails that Rob received would get posted online. The All Too Flat crew decided to contribute 1,000 haiku to his collection. But do you have any idea how hard it is to write 1,000 haiku in under 2 hours (we started late in the week. Thank god for Pacific time!)? It's really hard. So we each took 33.33 haiku and gave him 100. You can read them here when you are really bored at work and/or law school.

Hope you enjoy!

1. Paper Mache Elvis
It's paper mache
Not sure how the King would feel
But I was impressed

2. Footballs
You have no idea
How bored I can be at work.
I read LGF

3. What's the question?
Marching with Commies?
ANSWER is not the answer
Unless you like Mao

4. Cock
My lone source of joy
During a five-hour workday.
It's Cockeyed dot com

5. Sushi
I'm writing these 'poems'
while waiting for some (late) friends.
God I'm hungry

6. Maybe 18
How many of these
Do you think Rob will get through?
I say seventeen

7. Do these make me look fat?
Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch
Blah blah blah bitch bitch bitch bitch.
That's how my girl sounds.

8. Hefeweisen
I wish US beer
didn't look like horse urine.
German beer is dark.

9. That math doesn't work out:
Will this work at all?
Averaging 5 per hour...
I'll be done in May

10. i300
My phone is awesome.
Calls, email, wireless web,
and soon - even porn.

11. Mavericks
I got nothing but net
That was me - out by the arc.
By 'me' I mean 'Nash.'

12. "Feels Like" Temperature
I walked from the train
Now the inside of my mouth
is a sheet of ice

13. Our site
It comes up so huge,
That it has five syllables:
Alltooflat dot com.

14. Herbalife
Screaming orange sign:
"Thirty pounds in fifteen days"
Fucking travesty

15. http://sacramento.craigslist.org/
Something I wonder:
Does Rob read Missed Connections
for Sacramento?

16. When I think about you...
I have a question
on self-gratification:
How much is too much?

17. This Really Happened
In case you wondered,
Right here is why I strike out:
"Boobies. I mean, hello."


18. I'm just talking 'bout Frank, baby
Zappa rocks my world
No, I don't mean Moon Unit,
nor even Dweezil

19. Everyone down to 8th St.
It's been far too long
Since I've slid into fishnets - 
Let's do the Time Warp

20. To The People Upstairs I: No, I Won't Drop The Volume
Look, in the middle
Of the night, do I ask you
to drop your baby?

21. To The People Upstairs II: Lovin' From the Oven
And another thing:
What the hell is with that smell?
Sweat socks for dinner?

22. You Know, Like Wolverine
I read comic books.
Sometimes, I really wish that
I had lycra pants

23. L'Chaim!
Is it a big deal?
Why is everyone so shocked
That I'm not Jewish?

24. What's up with that?
How pissed off am I?
Finally meet a girl who reads,
She won't date goyim.

25. In the good ole' days
Nets were for fishing
And hoops were for hula'ing.
Now I watch Kings games

26. Micturate
I have made a pact
In order to get these done
Can't pee 'til thirty.

27. Jennifer Connelly in Requiem For a Dream
Didn't expect that
Remember her in Lab'rinth?
Oh, she'll come alright.

28. Why Astoria supermarkets are better than Bushwick supermarkets
The finest thing is
Aisle after sweet aisle
Of things that aren't Goya

29. Talking Heads
It's a strange effect.
David Byrne is both cooler
and geekier than me.

30. It's Actually Raven Shield, but that has 3 syllables
I'm almost finished.
Only four more haiku 'til
I can play Rogue Spear

31. Meta-Haiku I
Inappropriate
Or not? Can I use the phrase
"Bassho eats a dick" ?

32. Meta-Haiku II
I have a strong fear
This haiku shall be my worst
It's self-fulfilling.

33. Don't Try To Tell Me I'm The Only One, Either
I know it's creepy,
But I'm kind of psyched for it - 
Olsen twins 18th.


34. On Getting These Haiku Complete
Ten o'clock PM.
Thank god Rob's on the West coast
Thirty-two to go.


35. Inspiration for 1000 Haiku
One thousand pictures
I love digital cameras
Ambur all the time


36. Looking Around My Livingroom
Bridget Moynahan
On the cover of Time Out
Is so fucking hot


37. Remember that Squirrel?
It's easier to write
Haiku when all your words are
Monosyllabic

38. Ruminations
You'd be surprised at
How much different Monster's Ball
Is than Monster's Inc.

39. Limits of AI
I should write a script
To wrote these poems for me
But I suck at perl

40. The Smell From the Kitchen
My girl cooks tofu.
You'd think that's bad but it is 
Better than the kale

41. About the Previous Haiku
I shouldn't complain
She is making me dinner
And that's really sweet


42. More About the Previous Haiku
I can't keep it in.
I'll come right out and say it.
Arin is da bomb!


43. Microsoft and the Previous Haiku
Arian Erin?
Fuck Word and Auto-correct!
Arvin Rain Orin?


44. Cluttering Up My Inbox
Time Warner, ConEd.
Why do they send me paper?
I pay bills online.

45. Rock Stars
All Too Flat dot Com
Largest haiku collection
Ever to be seen

46. Not For the Kiddies
When I typed this line
With my laptop on my lap
I burnt my penis

47. This One's Not Funny Either
It's all been downhill
Since that Monster's Ball haiku
I should try harder

48. I Live In a Greenhouse
Bromeliad Fern
Milk Cactus Gardenia
Ficus Azalea

49. What I Know About Ficus
Magnoliopsi-
da is just a type of Mag-
noliophyta


50. I Turned To Her And Asked
Tell me honestly:
*Now* would you describe it 
as horsecockian?

51. Jackass
Know what's a good time?
Taking the L-S-A-T
For no good reason

52. Get Your Fingers Out
I'll offer a prize
If you find out which haiku
Ain't five-seven-five

53. I Wish I Were a Freak
Seven fingers would
Make this whole haiku thing go
Much more easily

54. I Take Some of It Back
Word just corrected
"aesly" into "easily"
How did it know that?

55. But Not All of It
There are twenty-five
temp files for this paper.
Why does it need them?

56. My ipod
Twenty gigabytes
That's a lot of stolen tunes
Jobs for president

57. These Fucking Hooves
"Eh, I've got no dukes"
I don't think that that phrase means
What you think it means.

58. Will Power 
Harry Potter 5
I'll wait and listen to the
Book on mp3

59. Sponge Bob Squarepants
Have you seen this guy?
He's a yellow sponge with pants.
I just don't get it.

60. Topic Chosen By My Girlfriend
I'll take the MCAT
Graduate admissions tests
Nothing else to do

61. Tick Tock
Hands and no numbers,
Even still, that doesn't mean
That it's analog

62. Preparing for the MCATs
Kingdom phylum class
Order family genus
Species. I love tests. 

63. Possibly the Last Thing on My Mind
Time for menopause
You can tell because of my 
Hormone replacements

64. Manchester Prep
Cruel Intentions Two
Reminded me a lot of
Cruel Intentions One

65. It Doesn't Help That Your Friends are in Habonim Dror
I'll be honest Ken,
You even had your Mom fooled
With the name "Bromberg"

66. And Quite Disgusting Too
Lampreys are suckers
That can live without their heads
For up to three days

67. Scrabble 
Double letter score
Underneath my double-u
Comes up really huge.


68. Frozen
Dang, it's cold outside.
I really can't feel my legs
Walking home from work.

69. Science Club
Cheerios, toothpaste,
Popcorn, shaving cream, tin foil:
How much is inside?

70. The laundry mat
People filter in,
The laundry mat was empty.
Now there are five more.

71. Haiku are easy!
One, two, three, four, five.
Writing haiku is simple.
Count it on your hand.

72. Walking in
Held the door open
And a cute girl walked through it.
She smiled and said thanks

73. Laundry Day
Wash, soak, spin, rinse, spin,
Dry, sort, fold, drop, fold, iron:
The Tao of clean clothes.

74. Im thinking of a number
the number seven
the most popular number
between one and ten

75. Ewww, gross
Please stop doing that,
Nobody wants to see it,
Such gross PDA

76. Going On Home 
I found the bus that
Stops right in front of my door.
It's twelve degrees out.

77. Its not late
"It's already ten."
What? I'm just getting started
I'll be up 'til two

78. Oops
Chink-a chink-a chink
My quarters drop to the floor
I race after them

79. A bad start
X Q K F J
Worst scrabble letters ever
You want to go first?

80. Forever lost
One sock is missing
Who knows where he ran off to
His twin left behind

81. Mac
A fifteen inch screen
One inch thick, 5.5 pounds
Sexy powerbook

82. Ultimate
A long throw down field
Running after the frisbee
Layout to catch it.

83. According to 3M
Heres a good question:
Whats the stickiest substance?
Its barnacle glue!

84. Procrastination
Gotta pay those bills
Piling high here on my desk
I should open them.

85. Wireless Heaven
Checking my email
And listening to music
While cooking dinner.

86. Halloween again
The paparazzi 
Costume is absolutely
Totally brilliant.

87. Apologies
One hundred haiku
This could be borderline spam
If it weren't funny

88. Two friendly hobbitses
Frodo and the ring.
Sam carries everything else;
He's the gardener.

89. Sophie
The dogs at my door
He wants to jump on my bed
I don't want him to.

90. Pretty Hawaiian fish
Hu-mu-hu-mu-nu-
Ka-nu-ka-a-pu-a-a
A halibuts dream.

91. Almost done
Nine more haiku left
Im running out of topics.
Eight more after this.

92. Your membership application
We received your check.
Ill make your membership card,
and mail it out soon.

93. The OJ situation
This haiku writing
Is making me so thirsty.
I need some OJ.

94. The post-OJ era
That OJ was good.
It quenched my thirst really well
Back to the haiku.

95 The truth about the OJ situation
I will be honest,
I didnt drink the OJ
Its so far downstairs.

96. The OJ situation revisited
I really need it,
But Im on a haiku roll.
I cannot stop now.

97. Apple cinema HD display
Twenty three inches
Dang thats a huge flat panel
I wish I had one.

98. X
Have you noticed that
All the new OSs have
An X in their names?

99. Call the SPCA
Bark bark bark bark bark
Somebody let the dog in
Shes freezing outside

100. Finally
Thirty three haiku
Are not trivial to write.
Time for some OJ.

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